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05 Aug 2008

Talking about youthfull experiments
My 2 cents…  From the age of about 12 to 16, my 5 years older brother and I, played “ games” . At first I quite enjoyed it! By the age of 14, I wangled it my way, as I was always on the “ receiving”  end, and I never had to return the favor. As he would play with himself while going down on me. Then by 15 I hated it, he would come into my room late at night, and I would wish it would just finish as fast a possible! I spend more and more time in the gym, and by 16 I was able to fend him off. I always felt guilty of not saying NO! How would he know I did not want it if I did not say NO? Therefore, I feel it is my own mistake, and not as much molesting…  I’ ve blocked this out, and I never think of it! Then the first challenge came when I became sexually active –  my body was “ trained”  to “ go”  as quick a possible to make it end, and I never thought of returning the favor, as I would felt guilty of going sooo fast…  Took us about 8 years to work through THAT! Then something happen, and now I’ m just so angry at him. I now find myself thinking of it more and more, and my anger get more and more. My brother (who is married for 5 years, and got 2 children) came out of the closet…  He is gay!! What seemed like a “ game”  between brothers, which I could still (and have) forgive him, became more than that! He used me! …  This posting is getting too long  I guess my question is just: What now? Was this “ secret game”  childishness or molesting?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Doesn't it depend on the definitions you choose ? Where 2 children experiment together, whichever one happens to take the lead, without particular coercion, this happens to happen, commonly, usually not intensively or for long, and usually with no later ill-effects. Maybe it's not what anyone would recommend or consider desirable, but it happens, and when parents and others over-react, the kids can easily be more harmed by those over-reactions than from the deeds themselves.
Thether coerced or not, other reactions, especially in the long-term, are possible --- one is guilt, as you describe, especially if, as is also one potential natural response, one enjoys aspects of it. Another is the potential for such reactions as you describe as becoming as a habit inclined to work towards a rapid conclusion so as to shorten such episodes, or to see oneself as needing to be sexual towards others in order to be liked, let alone loved.
If there are such lasting effects, seeing a good local counsellor is a good idea, to work through whatever issues still persist for you. The anger you feel now, for instance, which doesn't change the situation of what happened, but it unpleasant and unhelpful for you
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