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18 Jul 2005

Terrible frustation Need help<br>
Hi CS,

Thanks a lot for ur great forum.

Have this major problem, a bit complecated and long but wil try to summarise it.

I got involved with my man 1999 and I was madly in love with him, a month later I found out that his ex was pregnant but he said it was not his child or rather he was not sure, I fell pregnant around also and bcos of all the problems we were going through we felt tht it was better to abort, didn't have a good job and I was studying I was not sure of his love cos I felt tht he lied to me by not telling me about the pregnacny of his ex.

He bought a house in 2000 and we moved in together, the plan was for him to go pay lobola for me as soon as we are finacnially ready cos my parents didn't know I stayed with him, my dad is against tht, but tht never happened. So the problem is now I am not able to conceive and I am going through such and emotional rollercoaster and he doesn't care it's like I am in this alone and he is the one who paid for the abortion, so not tht I can't conceive it;s not his problm and yet he loves me. I feel like I have given him my all and I am not getting back anything from it, all I need is his care and love I feel so empty inside. so I moved out cos of tht.

I had a fling with his guy, so I told him about it cos I felt bad about it, I wish I didn't cos now things have turned from better to worse he demanded tht I move back and if I set my foot when I stayed it will end our relationship. We talked about it, I am aware tht I hurt him and I apologised and promised him tht it won't happen again, he told the whole world about it, my parents his parents so Ifeel really bad. I felt tht we should end it bcos I caused him so much pain and he refused, but now he goes through my phone check my sms, has a problem with any male friends, he told me tht he can't trust me and I am as good as a prostitude and he hit me and I learned my lesson.
but then if he hates me ths much why can't he leave me alone, I told him tht I am willing to work things out and I do understand tht it will take some time, but keeps he keeps hurting me tht way he goes on checking my phone and I have to explain some names tht he doesn't like

how do I go about sorting this one out, cos Iam feeling so drained, sometimes I feel like disappearing and go start a new life away from him, but I need my job.

thanks
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

If he loves you, he ought to be far more concerned about your feelings and your concerns. If you are to any extent no fertile because of the abortion which he caused you to have, he should be even more concerned for you. Shouldn't he pay for you to see a good private gynaecologist for a checkup on issues of fertility, so you will know exactly what your situation is ?
OK, if you had a fling with somone else, i's understandable that he feels suspicious --- but he had a baby with another woman, and isn't entitled to have double standards, for you and for himself.
You need your job, keep your job. But whether you need him, I really wonder.
Starting fresh might be best for you, unless he can really demonstrate in what he does, rather than only what he says, how much he actually loves you. Be cautious aout his tantrums --- make sure you have a safe place you can go to
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