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05 Mar 2004

Testing a Relationship
I have been involved with a guy for close to three and a half years. In this time he has hurt me terrribly (in terms of lying, abuse, cheating, breaking family relationships, etc.) He has in the last six months reformed and is very sorry for his actions. He has done alot to make our relationship as positive as possible and is still trying to do so. I am much happier but in the back of my mind, I sometimes feel that i should just leave him. I get these thoughts when i am alone and especially if he says something harsh to me. Now heres the big question, How does one know that the relationship is fine? How can a woman test that her relationship is setting a the right direction. I have suggested counselling previously and he is not keen so pls dont suggest counselling. I know that life is a gamble, but my heart is too sore gambling.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Nicki.
it's difficult for me when someone describes a situation that cries out for counselling, and then says "recommend anything except counselling". It's like going to a surgeon with all the symptoms of appendicitis, and saying "Justy dont suggest anyone should take out my diseased appendix !"
It sounds as if he has made a possibly sincere and serious attempt to clean up his act, and he deserves some recognition and praise for that. Ideally, if both of you became involved in marriage / relationship counselling, you could be more sure that between you, you have sorted out all that can be done, and you could be more confident when deciding whether the relationship is viable in the long-term. if he really does not want to join you in such a process, ( it'd be such a convincing sign that he truly regrets the way things were and sincerely wants to get them right and keep them right ) ; then you could consider seeing a counsellor yourself, to clarify in your own mind what you want, and to work towards making a wiser and more fully informed decision about whether to invest further in this relationship.
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