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24 Aug 2007

The girlfriend, the ex and our sex
Cs, guys, I need your advice please.

I have been seeing this wonderful woman for 4 months now and all is well in our relationship on many levels. We are great friends and the friendship is always growing. We have fun together, we laugh, we play, we have great conversations and we generally love being together. I must also say that we communicate openly about all things and our relationship benefits enormously from the fact that we both believe so much in honest communication.

However, we have one serious problem. The story is that she was in a 6 year relationship before me. That relationship ended over 3 years ago and she spent the last 3 years single and certainly seems completely over it on many levels except one very important one. The ex emotionally abused her by always telling her she was bad in bed, that she was too conservative and even when she did perform she wasn't any good. He cheated on her 3 times, once in front of her. He even told her that the reason he cheated on her was because she was so non sexual, so boring in bed and really made no effort etc. As a result, I now have a girlfriend that is often not in the mood for sex, when she is she takes forever to derive any pleasure from foreplay etc. because she is constantly thinking about her performance. She takes my not doing something as a personal insult. For example, if I don't go down on her it's because she refuses to wax/tidy up her pubic hair and this disgusts me so much that it is the reason I don't go down on her often. I must say that she is indeed very conservative in bed. She doesn't moan with pleasure, she can't orgasm from sex and thus informs me that my penetrating her isn't the be all and end all fo everything. She only orgasms from foreplay which must go on for ages. She doesn't like to give oral sex but takes it very personally if I don't give it. She doesn't like being kissed too much etc.

I am actually almost off sex with her because I see it as a huge stress. It's like a major task and I need to be so careful of what I say and do during it because it may result in her misunderstanding me and withdrawing further. What do I do? I want the relationship to last, I want to be with her but the sex side is very important to me and it is certainly not satisfactory and it's also very difficult to even speak to her about it. As a result of all of this I am questioning whether or not I should stick it out. I wonder if we have hope and if the relationship will actually last or will it eventually come to a head and end because of this? I thus hold back emotionally and refuse almost to fall in love with her. She admits that as a result of her past she has sexual issues but she seems to almost be telling me that I must deal with them. She also goes on about how she refuses to let sex be an issue etc. Fact of the matter is, is that it is. Please advise. Should I suggest she see someone? If so who? A sexologist? A psychologist? She is a psychologist herself by the way. What do I do?
Answer 385 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You know, dm, in some important ways she is right, and not so conservative as you portray her. Real sex is about you pleasuring her in the way she enjoys, not merely about you getting off in the way you want to. Foreplay is an important part of a sexual relationship, for both parties, and penetration indeed is not the be-all and end-all of it.
If she is a psychologist, she must understand some aspects of this. Suggest that the pair of you see a srelationship counsellor, first, and explore whether she wouldn't deserve and benefit from some individual counselling, to helpher recover from the selfishly abusive relationship she experienced previously.
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