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25 Jul 2005

this hurts
I feel like my life is falling apart. I still love a man who has a child with someone else whether he is with her or not I really do not know - he claims he is not, i think he is lying.
my mom has a drinking problem, my dad sexually abused us ( the girls) i moved out of home after my dad murdered my sister (he is a free man, even tho the autopsy showed unnatural death - no inquest was doen - bravo to our justice system) she 14 healthy and had no allergies - cum was found on her clothes and inside her, i think my dad raped her and lost control he suffocated her) , I have had a string of unsuccessful reltionships, "lied" about my life to try and make it seem better. i broke down once and tried to tell my parents how i felt, nothing was done about it - waste of tears, breath and energy - i sometimes love my job at times I hate it. my one brother is living with me and even tho he has a job - i carry us when it comes to household expenses, he is selfish and seems to be a leech and god forbid he buys anything - i never hear the end of it, i think of killing myself very often. I have forgiven my father for what he has done, my mother continues to drink even tho I have asked to please not go to the shebeens - she still does on a daily basis, my one brothers mother ( my father has children from a few different women - teo of them beign sisters) came to visit in December apparenty to only visit this has lasted till today - she broke up her ill sisters marriage - the sisiter is now dead, the husband no longer wants her now she is sleeping with my father - my parents share a house - but have not been together since i was five, my parents refuse to acknowledge what is going on - apperently there is no problem, I am breaking inside - I want to die. my younger brother wrote off my car so now if I work late I have to depend on my dad - who often works late, mother is never home as she is alwsy out drinking cos shes not happy the other woman is around. She never stays home and is always out in the streets or at the shebeen down the road then compalins when my dad does not give her money. and says he undermines her as the "woman of the house" - yes I agree but why did she allow this woman to take over in the first place? I hate it that the other women is "taking care" of our family and does the things my mom shud be doing , my mother cannot show affection to me - yet cries about the children that are not hers. if I cry about anything she cant even hug me she never holds me, i feel unloved , when we were raped and abused by our father she still stayed and accused of ( me and my sister) of sleeping with my father so that we cud get money and luxuries. now my sister is dead - its been nearly seven years - I miss her and wonder what she wud be like today - she wud be 21 now. i am crying writing this - filled with allot of pain and anger - I cannot keep it inside and I cant talk to anyone, I have been utterly miserable. Inside is a void which cud nevr be filled, i want to be loved so badly - tried loving myself, I alwasy feel so alone, it hurts, I have been single for a long time - l have been celibate for a long time too - its better, sex complictaes life, my life feels like one big complication - I want to crawl into a ball and die, i have no one, I remember Captured Angel and lean more to wanting to do the same, it ends there, everything, the pain , anxiety, fear.
I am tired - beyond that I feel empty - i have no purpose, sick of people abusing me, I just cant anymore, cant I just wake up and find that this is all a bad dream. God please wake me from this.
Mother why have u forsaken me? was your pain so great that u forgot me, i need you.
I sometimes wish I were my little sister - she was moms favourite d o u hate me?
I need love. please. I love my dad so much....... yet hate him just as strongly, daddy why did u do that to us for so many years, then everyone wondered why I moved out of home as soon as I finished school, then Ginger died? why did u take her life - damn you. she was so innocent, i hate u for what u did - mom i hate you for not protecting us. the boys will never understand thid hurt, this anger pains me, is this normal?
Dear God please can u give me some answers - I dont want to let u down too.
Answer 381 views

01 Jan 0001

Don't think of killing yourself, broken ; don't punish yourself for the horrible things other people have done or are doing. Your story is appalling, and it's so sad that you have been wasting your love opn people who don't deserve it, and hoping for love from people who don't have any to give, to you or to anyone else.
It is obvious, too, from your story, that you are a good and strong person, but that you deserve much better than this. As you have a job and earn reasonably, can't you get a place of your own, maybe sharing with a friend or someone from work, so you can get away from your horrible family ? Leave them together as they deserve each other, and let them sort themselves out as best they can. You need to move to a more independent place, where you can look after yourself, and have a chance to make new friends with nicer people, and live a decent life.
And, as Liza says, call Lifeline for someone you can talk with and get some direct advice from. Try to arrange to see a counsellor who can help you plan your freedom.
As she says, too, let your brother care for himself, he is NOT your responsibility. And consider asking the police to re-investigate the case of your sister's death, as a case that might be murder, can never be closed.
But first of all, take good care of yourself. Maybe in the future, when you are feeling stronger and happier in yourself, you can look back and see what your family is doing, and possibly help, but with advice, not money, which they only seem to waste
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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