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23 Jan 2004

Tired of the pain-but love him so much
My boyfriend was abused alot as a child by 3 step fathers, one foster parent & his grandfather too & now as an adult he has gone to gym & "beefed" himself up (he used to be a scrawny little boy-now he looks like a WWF wrestler)-I suspect its his way of making sure that he will not be pushed around anymore. He said he has done this so that if he ever meets any of the people who hurt him he will "teach them a lesson." He has never seen any of his abusers to this day, so he takes out all his anger on anyone & everyone who makes him angry, puts him down, makes him feel "bad" ect. He has terrible road rage to the point where he not only shouts & swears at other drivers, he stops the car & gets out! If someone makes a joke or corrects him he blows his lid & won't talk to them for weeks & when he does he doesn't aplogise he just acts like nothing has happened. In our relationship if we argue about something its all blown out of proportion & it ends up in a screaming match-he doesn't believe that problems can be "disscussed" he thinks that problems must be fought out. He is depressed but won't get help & on a day he is feeling "bad" about himself I want to run for cover. He will turn ANYTHING into a fight & he thinks having the upperhand means he has to keep putting me down. I understand why he does this-I really do-I was abused & I acted just like this for years until I got tired of the drama & the pain & playing games & decided to say "No more!" Now I try to keep the pieice with him-But I refuse to tiptoe around his moods-he need to learn that in the real world this behaviour is not acceptable. When he start to argue with me I don't get offended, I try to inject humour to calm the situation down, I tell him I love him & I really don't want to fight & I suggest going somewhere (But I drive!) to do something he enjoys (Like watch a movie or go fishing) to diffuse the situation But lately even this doesn't seem to calm him down-he wants to fight about everything all the time! Instead of saying "I miss you & I want to spend time with you" He accusses me of not being interested in him & says I want to leave or I am cheating. What can I do when he wants to argue to diffuse the situation? How can I stop it from getting out of hand? I know he needs proffessional help but he refuses point blank to go for help & no one can convince him otherwise!!!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear tsh,
As you recognize, he realyl does need professional help, and sometimes its only some sort of crisis that convincs a stubborn guy that he does need help more than bulging muscles and repeated rages. There is probably a strict limit on how much you can do to persuade him, and you need to be cautious about your own safety, especially if you decide to leave him.
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