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25 Nov 2004

To be someone
I have written here about how terrible my relationship with my father was until he died earlier this year. Well I was really sad when he died. In the last few days I have like a lot of anger has left my system. I feel more positive and I'm not getting as depressed all the time any more. I don't have misable/sad thought anymore. The first time I felt this is when we had a reconciliation 'function/ceremony' as part of the cleansing ceremony at home. At the ceremony my mother said she had included the reconciliation part because we all know he was not a perfect man, she said she requested forgiveness from those he had wronged. I surprised myselft when I felt VERY PEACEFUL inside when I heard this. I also felt guilty because I think I should have sat him down and told him how his actions were affecting all of us. I thought about this but I didn't know where to start since I was so scared of him. I only told my mother to tell him - when he complained that we didn't like him - that I was willing to talk. I don't know if he got this message.

Anyway I feel very positive now. I think I have lived all my life in fear and anger. I have tried just to become someone. When I was very young he told me I would amount to nothing. I've worked hard to have a career so I can be independent and simply be someone. I took the only career opportunity that came with funding for studies as I had no money. I have been having difficulty with my career for a long time. I don't whether I really don't like it I'm rebelling because I didn't really have an opportunity to choose what I like.

Sometime I feel lost, I actually don't know how to live anymore. I actually don't know myself. I know the angry me that prospers to prove someone wrong. I know the version of me that constantly worries about everything, cries over things that might possibly go wrong in the future, fears rejection and miserable. I love this peaceful version but I don't know how long it will last.

Lastly I don't know whether to attribute this to my father's passing or the fact that I've finally resigned from a job that I believe contributed to the loss of my baby -another anger I've been carrying.
Answer 288 views

01 Jan 0001

Hello Blue,
Sounds like the ceremony was well thought-out and useful. You did your best and don't need to feel guilty. Good that youre feeling positive now --- you deserve that. You have amounted to something and someone significant, and will always have achieved that, without needing him to be there to appreciate it. Have you planned, yet, to see a counsellor to work through these complex issues you are dealing with ?
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