Ask an expert

16 Jul 2008

To Candy re Divorce Men - FEARS
Dear Candy
Thank you for valuing my imput and for it to make you to think and allowing that process. Big Up.

I would also like to add something from Dr Gary Smalley in his book "The DNA of Relationships: Discover How You Are Designed for Satisfying Relationships":

Answering the Question "What's the problem" (with relationships and couples), he puts forward the points that "the external problem is rarely the real problem". Therefore, you ask, what then is the real problem? His anwer is simply that FEAR is at the CORE of all relationship PROBLEMS.

I think that this idea that FEAR is the reason we find ourselves in the "dance that destroys relationships", our relationships! Several authors have concurred to this in one way or another (David Richo, Miguel Ruiz, De Martini etc).

You have indicated in one of your postings that you fear rejection. Dr Smalley cites that generally: "the most common core fears are related to two main primary fears:"
1. being controlled (i.e. losing power) and
2. being disconnected (seperation from people, support, family friends and being alone)

Finally women specifically fear:
a. disconnection;
a.1. not being heard;
a.2. not being valued;
a.3. losing love or connection with someone.

Men fear, he argues:
A. being helpless
B. being being controlled
C. being a failure
D. getting stepped on

Read through, reflect and maybe this may be true or even better if it is not the way presented here.

I urge mostly whoever has or has had a problem in his or her relationship, marriage or friendship if when interrogating that fight or problem you won't find that you had feared something? When you divorced or broken up with your ex, what was your most deepest fear. In the book one of the Conversations with God series, something called Sponsoring Thought is mentioned - to mean the thought, behind the thought behind the thought. Ask yourself what that sponsoring thought (or fear) when you decided to have a fight or not to trust or even to end it with your ex or even your current spouse or partners or lover; see if that won't constitute a fear of some thought.

Let me stop right here before I implore you to consider Dr Harville Hendrix's notion that that may be linked to your upbringing and a fear derived from one of your child-mindes and or parents:)

Have a FEARFUL day and have a better tomorrow and future beyond a day without fears!
Answer 343 views

01 Jan 0001

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.