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26 Oct 2006

To Cybershrink and Momof3 - thanks
Dear Doc and Momof3, Thanks for the advice and yes, you are both right in all you are saying. I think he has always been angry; it stems from his childhood since his days at boarding school, his father's attitude towards him, and interrogation by police during apartheid years. I have previously walked out on him (a few months ago) and we both went to Famsa. Unfortunately, it was only one session which got us nowhere. He was advised to go for anger management, but somehow managed to wiggle himself out of that one.

I spoke to him again this morning and made some suggestions. Do let me know what you think of this - am I doing the right thing??? I suggested he goes to a psychologist. Whilst going for sessions, we can go to the other city where his problems started, i.e. the boarding school, his father's grave and the interrogating policemen I have no idea how to deal with. Suggestion? I suggested re the others that we visit these places and, even if he does not speak to anyone in particular, perhaps just being there and talking to me about it, and then telling himself that he is letting go of those horrible thoughts of the past. I want him to sit at his father's grave and cry his heart out and tell his father how he felt all those years with his father's attitude and lack of love. I honestly feel that this might help.

My husband does not forgive easily, but there is something that I learnt from one of Dr Phil's books. That is: You must forgive someone, not because you WANT to forgive that person for him/herself for what they did to you, but because you want to set yourself free; so you will be forgiving someone for YOURSELF. I've done that before, and believe me, I felt like a different person afterwards. It was certainly the best.

All I can say is that I want to still be with my husband, and I want to help him through all his difficulties. 20 years of marriage is a long time to just throw away. I need his full cooperation and I am certain things will work out.

Thank you again for advice so far, and I hope you will give me more suggestions and let me know whether I am doing what I should.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

That's some interesting ideas, E. But better to be explored by the shrink he sees for proper assessment, than for you to take him alone to areas that were so traumatic for him --- revisiting the sites of trauma can be extremely upsetting for someone, and usually not in themselves useful.
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