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09 Dec 2004

To Cybershrink,shaun,CP mom, Paris, Lady nina and others-please advice
Dear all

My husband had an affair some years ago and child resulted. They splited when the child was 3 years and he's 7. I never met the child and the mother. My husband and I have a daughter and son ( 10 yrs and 6 months). At first I did not accept this other child to be part of my family and hubby respected this. As time is the best healing proces, I came to my senses, I think now is time to accept this innocent child.

Last week I decided to tell hubby about my feelings, and he was very happy to hear this. I told him that he must buy some clothes for the child, and he said to me that he doesn't know the size. I suggested that he calls the mother and ask for a size. Before he calls, (on Monday the 6th)he received sms from the boy's mother saying it was the boy's birthday. ( I don't know what he did)

My questions are

1. Does my husband has to phone the mother secretely / in my presence? ( i'd prefer to be there)
2.Hubby suggested to invite the child for christmas, but I said no, we have to let my children know about their half brother, as my son is a very jealousy child. we have to settle him first and let him understand. ( I said we must first talk to the child on the phone, so he will also get use to know us better) Do you think I'm wrong?


Please advice





Answer 374 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi DM,
YOu sound like a wise and sensible person. And youre so right to recognize that the child is an innocent in this matter. It makes most sense for your husband to have the courtesy and sense to phone the other woman in your presence. And while it might be a good idea to have the little boy visit you and your family, starting with Christmas might not be the best timing. Maybe the lad should meet you and your husband together, maybe at a popular restaurant, or a venue where he'd feel comfortable, and which might be a small treat for him. This way you and he can start to feel comfortable with each other. And your husband will need to explain things to the boy. Later, choose how best to explain the changing situation to your own children, and then have the lad visit your family. later. Christmas is often a stressful enough time for ordinary families, and not the best time for a revelation and fresh adjustments.
And as CP Mom, says, check how the child's mom feels about all this. And as Dee emphasizes, make sure that you are both certain that you will go through with this, as it'd be cruel to the children to start it and then abandon the plan. Excellent advice all round, from our team of wonders ! Good luck, and let us know how things develop.
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