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25 Feb 2009

today 21 yrs ago
today 21 yrs ago my mom got blown to pieces. Last night for the very 1st time since that (I saw 8), did it feel like my heart is shattered and I cried so bitterly for a very long time. No one ever spoke about her and we were raised by dad knowing the details (but not all). Last yr I forced my aunt to reveal the whole truth and she did, along with the newspaper articles, she suffered for 5 days and eventually died.
I cannot phone my dad since he is hurting as well (I know that), espeacially as he carried her upper part of what is left out of the bank.
We sat in the ratel. I hate remembering the smell of burned meat, even after all this time if i drive past a dead animal that no one else would smell, or burned meat...I get sick to my stomach.
The newspapers lied as well... i was not taken in by my aunt as they said, no one wanted the traumatised girl- too much hassle.
I carry a mask every day, a good and healthy (and sane) woman, 2 small kids, great one knows who the real me is..... i dont even know.
Answer 327 views

01 Jan 0001

I am so very sorry to hear about this, Jehaan. After such a horible event, it is not unusual that one may in some ways remain emotionally frozen for months or years, having experienced something too terrible to think about. And it is also typical that eventually, for any of a variety of reaons, this unfreezes, and one experiences more of the stored up sadness and other emotions, including anger at the cruel people who caused it. Seeing a herapist / counsellor can help you to work through this grief and anger, which is all normal but unpleasant and it is important to be helped to move through and beyond this, to become more able to remember your great and innocent mother with pride and love, not with grief and rage. this is more than "anger management" which is a more trivial intervention --- you deserve more.
Don't apologise for "going on| --- you have every right to do so, and to vent and to be heard. One of the tragedies of the largely phoney TRC was that it disrespected the victims in almost every case, and instead provided convenience for the perpetrators. I am sickened by how people who led largely happy lives and had nothing to forgive, preach to the victims as though we had a dity to forgive the perpetrators and make them feel better --- there is no such duty. I respect your anger and your grief --- the aim of therapy would be to help you re-connect with other much more fruitful emotions, and to be able to lead a more realistically pleasant life with your kids.
Are you certain that your dad, who must indeed be suffering, wants to suffer alone ? Is it not possible that he, too, would be comforted by sharing his feelings and reactons with you, as you both lost someone so important to you ?
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