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11 Jul 2005

todays a bad day...when will this end
what should I do, today is a bad day. I can only listen to strangers like you who seem to inspire for some unknown fact. Yesterday I worked through the suicidal actions,I through the pills down the drain. I stayed strong. Yet I also through away the good pills in anger that would make me better against these suicidal thoughts. yet today Im suppose to be studying now, how can I?? Not like this!... I cant stop cutting, Im in pain!.. I need to release the anger and pain against myself for losing all my friends, for always hurting myself, and I want to hurt myself to get back at my rapists still, its the only thing that makes me feel better. I write prelims later this week. Im gonna fail, I cant work through this, I need inspiration, my minds a mess. The only release at the moment is to reject the food I have been given and to see the blood run from my arms... but who cares, Im only harming myself...!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear me,
Good to hear from you. Hearty congratulations on doing so very well and so very wisely yesterday, disposing of the pills that were tempting you towards self-destruction, and staying strong. Explore other ways to express the anger, rather than cutting. If you'll read older orum posts on cutting, in the archives, you'll find how others have used other methods. Some have found it useful to use my technique of, instead of cutting, using a red (washable !) marker to draw great red slashes on their arms and elsewhere --- expressing the fury --- but afterwards you can wash them off, an there are no scars. FOr the sharp ping of pain that can interrupt the growing sense of anger of despair, some find it handy to wear a strong rubber band round their wrist, which they can pull and let it SnAP hard against the arm, for a suddent short sharp pain. Again, it can be effective, but not damaging.
Try also to keep things in proportion -- yes, it FEELS as if you have lost all your friends, but probably some were not really friends, and others are not really lost. When you have finished sorting ou al this Stuff, you will be able to regain those that are worth having, and form nerw and better friends.
Draw savage pictures of the pain and anger. Draw pictures of your rapists, and poke holes in the pictures, then burn the pictures. Damaging yourself doesnt in te least hurt those who attacked you.
Maybe you'lll need some more, carefully chosen pills --- but make an arrangement with someone trustworthy in your family, that THEY will keep your pills in a locked and safe place, and only give you the right amount each day, and watch you take them, so you're able to get some benefits from them, but unable to be tempted to overdose.
Maybe you might fail these exams, and if this happens, you know, that won't actually be a disaster, but an inconvenience. It'll give you more time to work with a proper shrink on repairing yourself and your psyche, and preparing to take them a bit later, as the examiners must allow you to do, on medical grounds.
Take control instead of evelling in the temporary exhileration of losing control --- eat that good food, and stop the cuttin. Express the anger on paper ( write down in a journal the fury you feel against those who hurt you --- put the pain OUT THERE . rather than nursing it in here and on yourself. You can get through this and become a stronger person.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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