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23 Jan 2004

Too independant to start a relationship
Dear Doc

I've been single (by choice) for about 18 months due to being in an emotionally abusive relationship before. I recently met someone and we've known each other for about a month. At first things were great, I really do enjoy his company, and he's really caring and considerate. Unfortunately, I'm stating to feel smothered by him! I'm about 7 months older than him, and pretty much financially and emotionally independant from my parents (they live more that 400km away), he's still studying and living with his parents. He's on anti-depressants and he says that since he's met me, he feels as though he doesn't need them. His friends are constantly telling me how they can see such a good change in him as well. All this is fine and well, but to me it feels like a jail sentence, that my "freedom" of being able to do anything I wanted, when I wanted, is being taken away from me so that I can keep him happy. I know that in relationships that you're supposed to compromise, but all of this happened unexpectedly, and he's taking it all a lot more seriously than I am. What I would have liked to be a gradual process, is immediate for him. I know I'm terrible, but when I suggest that I'd like to spend a weekend on my own, he seems hurt and offended...and I'm scared that he might just do something stupid like kill himself or something...if it carries on this way, I'll probably end up being the one on anti depressants!! Can you please advise me how to approach this situation?

Kind Regards,
Answer 366 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear TI,
Sounds like you need to explain to him, that because of your previous abusive relationship, and the suddenness with which your relationship with him has developed, you're finding things moving a bit fast, and would like to take things more gradually. he should NOT, EVER, stop his antidepressant medications without consulting his doctor about it, and reaching a joint decision on that. You're not well matched, even though you might be otherwise compatible, because he seems to need excessive comforting closeness, and you need space and independence. Is this relationship really ready for prime time ?
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