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06 Jan 2005

Trust - Confusion
One of the First today - strange.
Traumatic evening again with bf, I am thoroughly exhausted and feel like a bird that flew too high or too late to miss the winter weather, wings are broken and falling hard.
Sorry not more positive, but I think the exhaustion is catching up, literally and figutively, I only had 1,5 hours sleep and my heart is heavy.
You know what guys, why is it that when things are looking up something bad has to happen, I honestly think I have had my fair share, damnit.
The ex phoned again, wished I could slap him, he wanted to know if I was happy. I had previously asked him to leave me alone, it seems his hard of hearing. Naturally the bf over-reacted, he doesn't trust me, he seems to think I want to go back to the ex, apparently the ex has more to offer, that's a joke. He phoned him telling him not to call me ever again and there was a lot of swearing to and fro, then he threw the phone at me telling me to go back to the ex. There was a lot of discussion but more from his side, I wasn't really given chance to talk. He also said how must he know if the ex doesn't phone me during the day and when I said I hadn't heard from him since the previous time, he was sarcastic, repeating my name several times. He also said whenever he came to Denmar or the rehab centre I was always chatting to the men, but there were other women in the conversation ..... why doesn't he trust me, I don't want anybody else and am not interested in any other men in that way.
He also said that there were too many men phoning me, but the one guy is also his friend and phones him just as much, he doesn't mind him, the others we talk maybe once in 3 months just to hear how the other is doing, no relationship ever, just friendship. Am I wrong in still talking to them?
I'm babbling on a bit. This morning he loves me again, should I believe it, I no longer trust his feelings for me, you don't one minute say you love someone and the very next treat them like dirt, I am not a tramp, have made many a mistake though and also not caring what happened to my body, but was never part of the situation, body response and mind had left the room as didn't know how to get out of the situation, the doc said's the child in me took over and I was not responsible for what happened, but now I feel dirty......
Anyway have a good day, hopefully mine will improve. I though 2005 would be different.
Take Care.
Answer 344 views

01 Jan 0001

Well, deal with the exhaustion first, and catch up on that sleep as a first priority. None of us cope well with ANYTHING when sleep-deprived. If the ex won't stop phoning -- stop answering or hang up on him, or get a caller ID, or change your phone number. Sounds like he does love you, but that HE is feeling insecure. 2005 will BECOME different, by slow and more secure progress, not by an overnight miracle
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