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20 Jan 2004

very confused and sometimes unhappy
I (28yrs) have been with my boyfriend (30) for 10 years now and i sometimes have regrets about our relationship. he paid lobola for me in May 2002 and we planned to start a family when we are married. I am now 30 weeks pregnant and blame my boyfriend and myself for this. what really depressed me was to conceive out of wedlock, since i am a dedicated christian. anyway, i have learnt to accept my pregnancy because if i stress too much it will affect the baby.

my bfriend is a good person, a modern man who helps with chores like cooking, cleaning and doing the laundry. however, hes got his weaknesses as well. we had a distance relationship (we were staying in different provinces) for the 10 year period. in august 2002 he resigned and came to live with me.

throughout our relationship, he was in financial difficulties, but was not open about this fact. for example he owes his employer R24 000.00 on charges of fraud,
he took a loan with a bank and the balance was R4000 when he resigned
another loan with loan shark amounts to R3000
he owes the furniture store R2000 ( for the TV set that was bought in 1999 for R3500)
his finances make me so angry. i dont know if i should marry him anymore.





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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Shelly,
Well, dear, if you're now 30 weeks pregnant, it does make sense to blame yourself and your boyfriend --- it does seem likely to have been your joint responsibility. And it is entirely understandable to be woried about his finances --- not only because it's always very difficult for any couple to start maried life with such large debts, but the nature of the debts ---they represent the fact that he committed criminal fraud, that he has ben unwise enough to owe money to loansharks ( who can be very nasty in their methods of collecting on debts ) ; that he buys things like the TV which he knows he cannot afford --- and that he was not open to you about these problems which are so very relevant to your life and happiness. One wonders how he managed to pay the lobola.
I can understand your doubts, and you hesitancy to go ahead with a marriage under these circumstances. How would your family ( and his ) feel about this --- and how do they feel; about his long history of lousy debts ?
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