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02 Jul 2010

Was it my fault???
When I was 14 on the 1st January 2005 my dad beat me for just visiting my brother''s girlfriend. Apparently when I was out one of the boys who were proposing me that time came around my house looking for me and my dad thought I have started dating the guy. Sadly because of that I decided if then dad can beat me that much, thinking that I had a boyfriend at that age then it means I''m ready to have a boyfriend. I then dated a guy who was 4yrs older than me. It was same yr January and that same day my mother was not at home and my dad was working and staying away from home. So that time I was the older one amongst my siblings. The guy sent his cousins to call me and it was at night. I went out and he dragged me to his house and I really didn''t want to go there. I went there forcefully so and we didn''t even talk he just pulled my panties and did his thing without any romance and I was bleeding so bad afterwards. I thought maybe that was the way of doing things if you love each other. Soon after that I was sick and I realised later that it was an STI but my mother thought it was piles maybe. She then gave me money to go to hospital and I went there on a sunday and they said I should come back the following day. I then went back the following day. I took a taxi and weird enough the taxi driver knew my name and my surname and he just called me to sit at front sit. When I came back I got the same taxi at the rank and the driver said I shud get in they will drop me at home but it was no longer going back to my village. I heard people saying that it was going to Jozi but since the driver knew where I was going I thought he would just drop me there and then go to Jozi as it was on his way anyway.

Well I sat there in a taxi at the back sit for hours and ended up sleeping because of medication. Well when the taxi was about to be full the driver called me to sit at the front sit and I just did that. Well we then left that town and when it was time for me to get off he just said " you are not going anywhere uhamba nami" . I didn''t or couldn''t say anything just kept quiet. He was with his friend and when we got to one of the towns to fill up the petrol he showed me a very big and sharp knife. He then pretended as if we were lovers! fastforward...we came back the very same night with his friend and other people in the car who were going home. By then I had hope that we will get to KZN in the morning and they will obviously drop me at home. They dilivered everyone to their home until they got tired and there was only one old guy who was left and they said they will then take him home in the morning. We went to the driver''s home and I& the old man were left in the car. They came back and called me to come in and I refused. They dragged me in front of the old man to the house. When we got there he undressed me forcefully so and had sex more than two times and it was without an condom. in the morning he dropped me in town again and had to take another taxi home. I didn''t tell anyone about it I just said I was admitted in hospital for a night.

I dumped my ''boyfriend who took my viginity and later got another one at school because the first one was staying in Pretoria. I got involved with that one because his girlfriend beat me so it was just for the sake of revenge. Well he did the same thing, he called me and slept with me without any agreement and by then I was so sure that thats the way things are done in the world of adults. He told me before he even took his penis out that I am preggies and I mustn''t follow him because its not his child.
A month after that I for sure didn''t get my periods and I kept quiet again until I was seven months and that time I was 15. He refused the partenity of the child until the child was born. He never took any responsibility up until today and that 14 yrs later.

now 14yrs later I am struggling in life I can''t have sex with my husband. I can''t even kiss him anymore after the incident that happened again last yr where we were robbed in our house at gun point. The guys used their guns to penetrate me and since then I just lost interest in sex with him.

Now I don''t really know whether to say I was raped or it was all my fault on all these incidents. My relationship with my husband since then has gone from bad to worst. We fight almost everyday and the fact that I can''t even allow him to touch me makes things worst. I even tried to kill myself because I couldn''t see the reason to live and have this pain everyday. I ended up starting to have a boyfreind outside and everything was fine with him as I cud do anything with him. Then after I''ve realised that I can have sex outside, it became a habit of sleeping with whoever I want to but with protection. It went on and on doing those one night stands when am out up until I even got to a point of saying whats the use of protecting myself because I want to die anyway. I then started to just sleep without a condom which I''m not proud of and feel guilty all the time about it but I want to die so bad.
I am now the enemy of myself as I''m writing this and it pains me to see the way I have changed. I still can''t allow my hubby to touch me and if he finally get to have sex with me its with protection and I don''t feel anything except for pains. I feel sorry for him but at the same time I hate myself for doing this but I jsut can''t stop. I know you can say I''m a bad person but deep down my heart I want to be normal and forget about my past. Because of all these memories that are in my head every minute of the day, I decided to start smoking dagga just to forget a bit about my problems. Its not helping though because I still feel the pain everyday.
Is this all my fault? I was told that a person who was raped never wants sex in her life ever again, then does that mean whatever happened to me was not rape? If not what do you call it (those incidents mentioned earlier?

Thanks for reading this long post and thank you in advanced for your response
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

YOu have been abused and raped repeatedly. And though for some people such experiences lead them to lose interest in having sex, for others it leads, as you describe, to an increased promiscuity and having sex carelessly and dangerously. DO please see a proper counsellor at a rape treatment centre and through POWA, to work on freeing yourself from this, and resume condom use immediately.
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