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19 Feb 2004

Was it my independent decision or ....?
I ended a relationship with a man I love, respect and adore regardless of the treatment he gave me. The whole saga started when my family interfered. I understand their concern about the way this guy treated me.

Things were normal and turned sour when I told him I was pregnant, he told me straight in the face that he wanted nothing to do with the baby and wanted me to get rid of it, I could not abort due to religious believes but due to the stress I was under, I miscarried when I was 13 weeks pregnant.

I assumed the relationship was over as we never called each other again, he knew I had miscarried, he kept quite and I did the same. After eight to nine months, he started calling me just to check up on me and since I still loved him, I was okay with that but did not call him. Then he said he wanted to see me and I agreed, when we met we never talked about the past, we talked about general things and ended up kissing.

After some time, we met again and finally made love and did not talk about the past as I had been to a therapist who advised me not to dwell in the past. I am a very sweet person who thinks of other people before myself and I have realised that people have taken advantage of that.

I shared this with my friends who knew what I went through previously and they were against this move and decided to tell it to my family. They have been in my case all along and I ignored them because I loved this man and did not want to leave him.

On the other hand I only got to see this man once a month if I was lucky, he was always busy (businessman) and would make all kinds of excuses when we were supposed to meet. I understood, in the name of love or call it stupidity. I stay alone and he stays with his kid and a nanny, fine I used to go to his house (once a month) and he would not come to my place. He would call me only when convenient to him and I started to complain but nothing changed. Remember my family about him? I have handling their critisism all by myself, did not want him to know the way they felt about him.

The last episode, I got a very irritating message from one member of the family, I could not handle it alone, I had to share it with someone and that had to be my man! Gosh! I got what I deserved, he did not want to know, blamed me for discussing him with them, uh! Well I decided to end the relationship, he was fine with it, did not even convince me somehow. And I felt I really had to end it as I wouldn't even miss because he was not there always.

Now, a friend of this guy thinks I ended the relationship depending on other people's feelings (family) and this confuses me as I still love this man but I believe I made the right decision. I have told myself I am going to forget about other people for a change and do what is right for me.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Shokie,
I think you misunderstood your therapist's advice. He/she meant not to spend hours on your own brooding about the past ; NOT to ignore the very recent past when dealing with a man highly likely to repeat the unhappiest parts of that past with you.
A man who responds to the pregnancy he created in you, in the way you describe does not deserve to be respected, let alone loved. Don't waste your loving on the unloving. How can you any longer be in any doubt that this guy does not deserve or share your love --- he is transparently and obviously only using you for his pleasure ( along with, who knows, probably others ) only if and when it sits him ; and on conditon that he insists you must NEVER cause him any problems or expect him to care or help with any difficulties you may have. He sounds totally selfish and uncaring.
of course you made the right decision, to end the relationship with him, and to keep it ended. OK, one might not appreciate a family interfering --- but they're not automatically wrong, and when a decision ( like ending any relationship with this selfish and abusive man ) happens to be so hugely obviously right, the mere fact that other people who care about you also suggest it, is no reason to reject it.
leave him behind in your dust, and look for someone worthy of you.
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