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16 Jan 2004

what chance has she got to make it in life? URGENT!
hi all

pls give me some advice..........

my ex has a daughter (15) she stayed with her granny ( yes the terrible mom in-law i told you about) since she was 3
she is a pretty child and is clever but i think due to the fact that the in- laws have such a messed up family life ( their chidren who is without a job or kick out by the wives move back in out out their home causing alot of stress and fights)
the middle of the year she was shipped of to some drug rehab place - i was with my ex and we visited her ... now she looks fine and i asked her if she was using druggs she told me no not yet but the circumstances at home it to much for her she can't cope ( i know from experience that it;s true - i even cut all ties with the family a couple of years ago) i told her that if she ever feels she needs,she can come and stay with me and my kids , bearing in mind that she will be treated the same way my kids does - i will love and discipline her the same way. she said she wish she could but granny ( who hates me... everyone in the world and most of all herself)
would never allow it since they have custody of the kids.

i left it at that and hoped she would be ok
now i heard she was raped and had a total colapse she is back in the rehab centre...
the part that really upsets me is that the granny is now sueing the guy who raped her and the company she worked for - as a waiteress... now i' asking shouldn't they be focussing their attention on the broken child and spend time and money to get her back on track? it feels as if their focus is always wrong ..
eg. they have 2 sons. 4 daughters in- law yet we were always the worse scum on earth - i look at my kids ( being raised by a moody single parent ) and the she raised having enough money and both a mother and father figure) and i wonder who was right . when my kids goes trough a tough time i get professional help, meet the teachers and even take time off work ... yet this poor 15 year old girl is send of to a center and once again everyone els is in the wrong except them - and i firmly believe no matter how good their intentions but they are to blame for not equiping this child with the correct value system anb meeting her emotional needs - look i know even if we are perfect parents kids still can ake a choice and turn bad but this child in not 100% to blame for what happened , i admid she has a lot of mistakes and problems

pls give me advice - should i get involved - i don't really want to because then i have the entire family on my back again, but how do i live with my conscience , but on the other hand she is not my responsibility...

does she have a chance to make a succes with her life and what need to happen before she is ok

thx

nina
Answer 336 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Complex situation,
surely in this situation the rehab centre ought to pull out all the stops and ensure that she gets proper expert assessment and advice and help. I am troubled that some rehb centres seem to provide frighteningly limited actual services, but surely in a situation as severe as this they ought to be able to call on the needed resources.
From the sound if it the child ought to be able to still make a success of her life, especially with the proper help. Most of us are much more resilient than one might think ; and she is certainly being given the opportunity to learn how NOT to manage a family life and other aspects of life ; so long as she can at least get the message that there are alternatives, and that things can be better, there is good hope for her.
Apart from the Family from Hell in general, what does your Ex think about this situation specifically as if affects this daughter ? Even if overseas, could he not at least push for her to receive better professional help, and even to have the freedom to at least visit you and your family ? ( Even visits that confirm that loving and functional families can and do exist, could be useful for her ).
But it sounds as if the F from H would unite against your active involvement, and you formally, legally, have no real status in the matter. I agree with the others --- souldn't the child welfare authorties be involved, especially since the rape ? And paul raises an important issue, easy to overlook --- the fact of the rape may raise questions about the Hells' Grannies capacity to maintain custody effectively, especially if she's seen to be pursuoing financial returns rather than providing the best available rape counselling and other care for the child.
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