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Question
01 Mar 2004
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What now ? Unrealistic Expectations.
My boyfriend and I are in our 50's. Been dating 3 years and compared to most have a good healthy relationship. We chose not to live together. See each other less than we used to - only about 1 1/2 days over the weekend but he phoned every night.
We're both quite indenpendent and I recently said that it seems like we are building seperate lives and sustaining a relationship and not building on it and wanted to know if he was committed to the relationship? Well the poo hit the fan and thinking he only had two choices i.e. marriage or out he broke off with me. However we did chat a few days after that and he explained his feeling and apologised for hurting me and wants to start 'dating' again. We have spoken about this hapenning (the first one every) and he asked for forgiveness. I value what we have even though I would like to think ahead and plan the future. i.e. we each have a house. a year ago it was easier
for him to discuss this - now it's not mentioned. He says he misses me during the week. Is he waiting till my adult son leaves home (soon). I felt we should get engaged which would give him time to adjust to the idea and me freedom to discuss the future and other important issues. He is a widower and I've been divorced for ages. Do I have unrealistic expectations? We have so much going for us. Strong attraction, love, consideration, respect, humour, similar interests. We are not perfect but I think a good match. He knows what I need and he says he isn't ready for marriage ? What makes one ready?????Help
We're both quite indenpendent and I recently said that it seems like we are building seperate lives and sustaining a relationship and not building on it and wanted to know if he was committed to the relationship? Well the poo hit the fan and thinking he only had two choices i.e. marriage or out he broke off with me. However we did chat a few days after that and he explained his feeling and apologised for hurting me and wants to start 'dating' again. We have spoken about this hapenning (the first one every) and he asked for forgiveness. I value what we have even though I would like to think ahead and plan the future. i.e. we each have a house. a year ago it was easier
for him to discuss this - now it's not mentioned. He says he misses me during the week. Is he waiting till my adult son leaves home (soon). I felt we should get engaged which would give him time to adjust to the idea and me freedom to discuss the future and other important issues. He is a widower and I've been divorced for ages. Do I have unrealistic expectations? We have so much going for us. Strong attraction, love, consideration, respect, humour, similar interests. We are not perfect but I think a good match. He knows what I need and he says he isn't ready for marriage ? What makes one ready?????Help
CyberShrink
Dear Fairy,
Let's see what other readers have to say here. It sounds like you may both be pretty compatible for a good friendship. That might not necessarily be the same as full compatibility for marriage. Maybe women are more inclined to remarry, but widowers are often, for a range of reasons, less likely to feel a need to be married again, and less ready to make a second committment. Maybe that's a nice sign of the strength of his original committment to his wife, which may lead to his reluctance to have anyone else, however nice, exactly take her place in his life.
Maybe it'd work best if you tempered your eagerness ( as you've seen, it can push him away ) and give him some more time in which to come round to the idea. Meanwhile, you two can apparently enjoy the present state of your relationship
Let's see what other readers have to say here. It sounds like you may both be pretty compatible for a good friendship. That might not necessarily be the same as full compatibility for marriage. Maybe women are more inclined to remarry, but widowers are often, for a range of reasons, less likely to feel a need to be married again, and less ready to make a second committment. Maybe that's a nice sign of the strength of his original committment to his wife, which may lead to his reluctance to have anyone else, however nice, exactly take her place in his life.
Maybe it'd work best if you tempered your eagerness ( as you've seen, it can push him away ) and give him some more time in which to come round to the idea. Meanwhile, you two can apparently enjoy the present state of your relationship
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