Ask an expert
Question

01 Mar 2004

What now ? Unrealistic Expectations.
My boyfriend and I are in our 50's. Been dating 3 years and compared to most have a good healthy relationship. We chose not to live together. See each other less than we used to - only about 1 1/2 days over the weekend but he phoned every night.
We're both quite indenpendent and I recently said that it seems like we are building seperate lives and sustaining a relationship and not building on it and wanted to know if he was committed to the relationship? Well the poo hit the fan and thinking he only had two choices i.e. marriage or out he broke off with me. However we did chat a few days after that and he explained his feeling and apologised for hurting me and wants to start 'dating' again. We have spoken about this hapenning (the first one every) and he asked for forgiveness. I value what we have even though I would like to think ahead and plan the future. i.e. we each have a house. a year ago it was easier
for him to discuss this - now it's not mentioned. He says he misses me during the week. Is he waiting till my adult son leaves home (soon). I felt we should get engaged which would give him time to adjust to the idea and me freedom to discuss the future and other important issues. He is a widower and I've been divorced for ages. Do I have unrealistic expectations? We have so much going for us. Strong attraction, love, consideration, respect, humour, similar interests. We are not perfect but I think a good match. He knows what I need and he says he isn't ready for marriage ? What makes one ready?????Help
Answer 469 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Fairy,
Let's see what other readers have to say here. It sounds like you may both be pretty compatible for a good friendship. That might not necessarily be the same as full compatibility for marriage. Maybe women are more inclined to remarry, but widowers are often, for a range of reasons, less likely to feel a need to be married again, and less ready to make a second committment. Maybe that's a nice sign of the strength of his original committment to his wife, which may lead to his reluctance to have anyone else, however nice, exactly take her place in his life.
Maybe it'd work best if you tempered your eagerness ( as you've seen, it can push him away ) and give him some more time in which to come round to the idea. Meanwhile, you two can apparently enjoy the present state of your relationship
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Yes
33% - 9380 votes
No
67% - 19432 votes
Vote