Ask an expert

03 Feb 2004

What's up with the Doc?
Has anyone noticed the Doc's comments the last couple of days? I have never seen him so aggressive - the advice borders on the abusive! Is someone pretending to be him here? If so, bugger off, you can do a lot of harm by 'giving advice' about stuff you are so no capable of!!
Answer 302 views

01 Jan 0001

Wondering, relax and chill out. Nothing whatsoever that Cybershrink has said has ever bordered on the abusive, nor has it been aggresive. I've been feeling fine, and have answered as I have for years. We had one specific reader whose messages, drowning in self-pity and hopelessly immature, were indeed selfish and inconsiderate pf her poor boyfriend. She sounded exactly like the sort of kid who has always had everyone dance attendance around her, agree with her, and carefully avoid upsetting her. Shecould not possibly have been helped by people who continued that process, stroked her ego, and told her how marvellous and brave she was -- she was being neither brave nor marvellous.
As Lucia perceptively and wisely notices, there ae times when a degree of confrontation is absolutely essential if someone is to have any chance of being helped, rather than having their delusions and false beliefs re-inforced, worsening their problems. I strongly suspect that P has as usual chosen to ignore any critical though accurate messages, has absolutely adored those who criticized her poor and long-suffering bf for being so beastly as to play cricket once a week instead of showering attention on her, and will continue to kvetch and grumble, until this guy either condemns himself to a miserable life with her, as she ups her demands ; or realizes the situation and leaves her.
As Juslizen says, too, spades are spades, even if we like to think of them as silver spoons, and no expert or even friend is doing you any favour at all if they simply confirm your prejudices. A common and disabling problem is that people expect that they must never be challenged or upset --- it's very healthy to be challenged, and upset, and not wholesome to expect to be mollycoddled and led into false expectations of the world, which is merciless.
It is the absolutely reliable mark of the quack, by the way, that they never ever disagree with you, always agree with whatever you say, and confirm whatever you want confirmed --- so long as you pay their bills. That's more like prostitution than therapy.
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