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12 Jul 2005

When fights turn violent....
Dear CS, how are you doing?
Well I'm writing this with a heavy heart and need some encouragement and advice.
Not sure if I mentioned it previously but I got engaged in April to a great guy. He really understands me and we're very good together.
Problem is, lastnight we got into a big fight and for the first time in our relationship he packed his bags and threatened to leave. He had been drinking heavily at the pub that afternoon, due to work stress and just "wanted to let his hair down".

Firstly he got in his car after I was upset when he came home drunk and drove off for 2 hours while I frantically searched the streets for him in my neighbours car. He switched his cell off and prior to that wouldn't tell me where he was.
Anyway to make a very long story short he came home again and then left again after we started arguing about his dissapearing act that had inconvenienced and upset everyone.

While I don't want to make excuses for my actions or his, he's NEVER EVER been like this before. He never threatens me with our relationship and never ever tries to leave. He's recently (4 days ago) gotten back onto his Eglynol and lastnight with the alcohol was almost "possessed" and out of control.

When he tried to leave the second time he just shut down, he wouldn't talk with me, he wouldn't look at me, he just took his drunk self and packed his bags. I started pushing him, because he wouldn't talk with me. I started yelling at him trying to get a reaction, then it happened. I turned from him, returned to him and hit him full on in the face causing his nose to bleed. I was fuming. He was raging calling me all sorts of names under the sun and he left.

About 45 minutes later he returned, tears in his eyes and very very sad. I was trying my hardest to sleep. He knows how I get all anxious when people just leave like he did lastnight cause my ex was like that and didn't return after 4 days of binge drinking.
We went to bed after many apologies, he told me he was out of control and that the alcohol and eglynol had caused him to just blank out and explode.

CS, what now? I love him so much and this morning we started off loving each other even more than yesterday. Am I abusive because I intentially hit him in the face? Do I have a problem? Does he have a problem? Why have we just moved on from this like it was all a bad dream? I don't hate him and I don't hold resentment to him, I just feel complete compassion for him because I know he's never done this before and really does love me.
Please advise.
Love
~Wings~
Answer 451 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello `Wings~
isn't it a problem with heavy drinking, that often you "let down" a great deal more hair than you meant to ? Obviously heavy drinking leads him to be rather more foolish than it does for the rest of us, and he really needs to think about avoiding it in future. But of course there's no point in discussing such issues while a guy's drunk. What he did was seriosuly risky for him and other people. Maybe there was an unfortunate reaction between his Eglonyl ( a drug I've never recommended ) and the alcohol.
At a time like that, don't "push" him to talk to you, as that rarely gets anyone anywhere.
Where now ? Well, I wonder if the Eglonyl was prescribed by a psychiatrist, who ought to know better ; or if he has been treated so far by a GP, in which case maybe he should see a psychiatrist for better advice on what drug would be useful, probably not Eglonyl, and what to do about alcohol in future.
Of course you're not "abusive"because you hit him when you were terrified for his safety and by his 'switched of" condition. It wasn't a good idea by any means, but it wasn't the act of an abuser. For both of you it was an unfortunate first occasion ; work together, with counselling if necessary, to make sure it was also, for both of you, a "last".
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