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27 Jan 2004

When hostility kicks the cat to get to your tongue...
Dear Cybershrink

Yes, it's me ~Wings~ it's been a while since I was on this site and I hope all has been well with you - I see as usual you are busy helping people out and giving your helpful outlook which is great.

I just recently celebrated my birthday, I honestly feel great, extremely empowered and from that wilted flower I felt like 6 months ago life is great.

My issue is this :
Remember that great guy I keep talking about the one I've been with for 6 months?? Well those anger issues I have been dealing with ARENT GOING AWAY!
Funnily enough I find myself extremely confident, maybe too confident hiding behind the "Don't dare try to mess with me cause I know what I want and I'm going to be the best I can so stay out of my way" attitude. Opposite from how I've been most of my life.
Dr I just want to know, while I have been struggling with the anger I have felt after leaving my abusive relationship of 3 years I find that I'm treating this great guy in my life like a dog.
Sometimes he says things that just don't make sense and instead of just accepting him I start going off cause he's frustrating me. I sometimes stand outside of myself while we're talking and think "can you hear what you're saying, you're pulling this guy down", honestly he is a bit of an airhead sometimes (aren't we all) and he isn't as intellectually stimulating as I would like a partner to be but should I just accept that although he's a great person I need someone else, or is it that am I being too harsh?
I feel I'm treating him exactly like my ex treated me, those feelings of chemistry that were so obvious when we started going out are just GONE!
I know that chemistry fades and we haven't spent any time alone in the last 3 months cause we're always around friends that need one of us.
Maybe making more time with him and trying to fall in love with him again is the answer or maybe just walking away is the best? We are living together and have just moved into a flat so I am a little stuck, I do love him and I feel we have the bonus of treating each other as equals, I don't see him as a father figure like I have all my ex's and I earn more than he does and sometimes feel I should do better. I was never allowed to go out with the girls and since we've been in this relationship I don't even ask his opinion I just say "I'm going out tonight with the girls" He keeps talking about how he wants to marry me and have my kids and I'm thinking "Please don't even go there" I can't imagine having his kids now or ever.
I have lost some respect for him too as his boss tells me he doesn't have any motivation at work and is jeopardizing his job because he can't follow through or take responsibility. Dr even when he laughs (a whiny cackle) I roll my eyes and think "oh boy" I realise I sound like a shallow cow and this is why I'm asking for your help cause the more I hear myself think and speak the more heartless I feel. I must also stop taking ALL the blame cause a lot has happened in the last 6 months stress wise and sometimes I feel like I may just be using him as an outlet.
Please let me know what you think cause just lastnight I said to him that I'm so sorry for being a b i t c h. Then he apologises for being an A hole which isn't necessary and I can see that he's starting to play hardball with me too to defend himself.
I want to know what the root is Doc i want to know if this is an ex issue or have I just chosen the wrong guy?
Regards,
~Wings~
Answer 333 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Wings, Nice to have you back around again ; sorry to hear of this new problem.
When you say "I feel I'm treating him exactly like my ex treated me" I wonder if that isn't part of it --- sadly, one of the things one can learn in a bad relationship, is to mimic the abuser's conduct when one gets the chance to be the more dominant one. I wonder, too, whether part or much of the initial bliss in this relationship, wasn't related to the old Rebound phenomena, and to sheer relief at being free of the old relationship ? Maybe it meant that you didn't notice some of those of uis features and behaviours you now find annoying ? And maybe there's a different sort of ebound at play --- you could be in part responding to the nice guy in the way you always needed to respond to the bad guy, only now you have the chance to do so, even if he doesn't really deserve it.
If you two want to stay together and make a go of it, surely mariage / relationship counselling may be called for. But I'm not yet convinced that you actually do want to stay together.
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