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23 Feb 2004

Where to now?
I have a mojor problem with my boyfriend. I am 29 years old and he is 4 years my junior. We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. We have been together for 4 years now, and things are just getting worse. When we first met he was still involved with his ex girl friend ( which I only found out later on after our child was born). All was fine when I was pregnant, the only thing was that he did not have a job, nor had he made an effort to look for one. He is very involved with action cricket and spends majority of his time there.

Anyway after having my daughter, he got involved with another women and slept out weekends, and came home late during the week. I had my suspicions about this but my baby blues led me into depression. This affair lasted 6 months. We had moved in with my parents just before I had my baby. A year later we moved into a flat together and still he did not want to work cause he still had his action cricket on the go and i was told that he would rather choose his cricket if I made him choose between us. My suspicions about the affair were confirmed, when one day i phoned her and questioned her about it. He ended up admitting to everything and was very apologetic and promised not to do it again, he was going through a bad time, wiith becoming a father and all.

I feel that I cannot love him anymore, besides the rest he treats me like a whore in bed and i don't even feel sexually attracted to him anymore. My heart feels like a rock.

I have triedtalking to him, but he has this attitude about himself and what ever i say doesn't seem to sink into his head. He still refuses to work and help support our daughter, my father is helping me with this. I feel i need to go to maintanance court and claim from him, but he doesn't have a job to pay me. We are living back at my parents and they are getting frustrated cause he has got me into so much debt. All he does is sleep, eat and play computer games! Now i have not spoken to him for the three days, i feel he just and comes and goes as he please and i have really had enough. My problem is I am scared to be alone, and have no friends anymore, where to now?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Jol, I don't believe this guy. Anyone who would even imagine a choice between something so pathetic as an obsession with Action Cricket, and his gf and child, has a mighty lot of growing up to do still. And to claim that he was so overcome by the stress of fatherhood--- that he needed to have an affiar, is total rubbish.
I'd throw him out --- if he can't be bothered BY CHOICE, to help pay for the household, he shouldn't live in it until he can and does afford to share expenses. For pete's sake, he's USING you as a source for sex ( something I guess the guys at Action Cricket won't provide for him ), for for free food and housing. And who pays for his drinks and other costs ?
You could move out of the flat, and let him figure out how to pay the rent and other expenses, and take your things with you. Move back with your family, and don't invite him to visit until he can convince them he has totally reformed, given up his childish game-playing, got a job, and can aford to support you.
DO go to the maintenance court --- even if he can't afford to pay it now, let his debt be placed on record, and let him be fully aware that it IS a debt and he DOES need to play it. Life isn't just one long game, as he seems to imagine. Don't assume that he loves you or the child, as, whatever he may say, nothing whatsoever he has done suggests any love whatsoever for anyone except himself.
When you get home, you'll be able to develope new and more wholesome and satisfying friends --- when you don't have that deadbeat bum hanging round your neck.
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