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01 Jul 2005

why ??
Hey cs wassup ....??

Im having a real batle dealing with my dad .. he is old and very ill.. but i dont want to speak to him , and to be honest i cant stand being near him .. we used to be very close .. but he has become so unpleasant , he runs me down constantly , im a lousy daughter, a bad mother , and a crappy wife ... my daughter is also not keen on keeping in touch with him because he runs her down contstantly ..... my boys ignore him .. because he has never shown any interest in them .... Stephen has never been forgiven for being on heroin ... never mind that he has sorted his life out and is now doing very well.

I speak to him because I have to .. not because i want too , but this is making me feel so guilty .. when my mom was sick and dying I spent every moment with her because I wanted too.

How does one deal with loving a father but not wanting to be anywhere near him ???????????



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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello Carol,
What a long time since your last message ! If you'll check the archives, you'll find I've been through the mill lately, with a couple of ops and assorted problems after being a passenger in a nasty car crash 3 months or so ago.
It's a sad fact that I'm well familiar with, that some old people don't become those loveable old codgers beloved of sitcoms, but can become demanding, unreasonable and very hurtful, querulous, quarrelsome, and unpleasant to be near, as they get older. That doesn't dissolve our responsibilities towards them, but makes these much harder to fulful. Theoretically, one needs to learn to attend to and care for the fragments of their old self that still remain, now and aain, and to try to ignore the cruel comments they make, perhaps as echoes of their own bitterness at finding themselves old, fragile, in pain, and feeling useless. Not easy to do, at all. It'd be worth trying Buzz's suggested approach ; it could work.
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