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10 Dec 2004

Why do I feel this way?
I would've ended my life by now, I actually would not mind dying right now. Just not to be here anymore. Life is proving to be more torturous than anything else, and why do I need to be alive. Nobody actually notices me, and I have no friends. And for some reason, no matter how nice I am to other people they just do not like me - at all. It's extemely painful.
My husband used to hit me and hate me and I would show up at work and people would know... I'd be an emtional mess. Now, through luv, or whatever, I don't know, he's not hitting me anymore and we fight so much less. There's been amazing progress in our marriage. But life is nothing without friends, and the people at work do not want to be anywhere near me - they exclude me from everything from team projects to social get-to-gethers. I'm always the one left out. And I cannot handle this rejection anymore.
My husband has never had a problem at work, he never showed up with bruises and eyes puffed up from tears... so he's totally involved and everyone absolutely luvs him and wants to be with him.
even at home, with couples we made friends with, they only seem to like him, they only respond to him. I've turned into an unnoticeable ghost. it's not life, it's not living.
If it had not been for my precious beautiful baby boy I would;ve ended my life already.
It's too painful to be alive - I cannot deal everyday more and more with this rejection, and I don't want to live.
If I kill myself, I'll be devastating my precious son.
If I continue to be alive, what kind of an impact am I having on my child's upbringing with this type of negativity? - and to continue to be alive is killing me inside so painfully.
What on earth do I / can I do? Please please help somehow.

My husband doesn't seem to care, he just thinks I'm being painful - he doesn;'t know how serious I am about wanting to rather be dead - away. I get the impression he'd be rather relieved, in the back of my mind that's what I really think and feel.
Answer 317 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

wbd,
I understand how gloomy and desperate you feel. And though it is hard for you to believe at this stage and in this state, everything you mention that is wrong and unappealing about life, CAN be changed for the better. IF you will work sincerely with a good shrink to better understand and work through the problems.
You were abused, and abuse teacher yopu to devalue and disrespect yourself. Call an agency like POWA ( check local phonebook ) and get specific advice about options, support groups, etc. Obviously, you have become seriously depressed and discouraged, and maybe, as you mention a baby, there could also be an element of postnatal Depression, as a result of the hormone shifts of pregnancy.
You know, and you're right about that, that harming yourself could be immensely damaging to your son.
You URGENTLY need to see a good local psychiatrist, either directly, or through your GP, or via the nearest casualty dept. Depression and the related problems you have experienced can be VERY successfully treated, and you deserve such treatment, to relieve this miserable state you've reached, and to enable you to enjoy the trest of your life, and continue to make an even greated contribution to your child's life. "Regret" is right.
But you CAN transform your life, with the right expert help --- get it, and report back to the forum to let us know of your progress,
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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