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28 Nov 2012

Why now?
I''ve been married for 10 years this year and have 2 beautiful kids and a over-protective, jealous husband. Not allowed to do anything, wants to know my where-abouts at all times. The only place I have peace of mind is at work. I know a certain guy for years, we work together and we have now started chatting. I like this guy a lot. I feel I''m missing something in my marriage and my husband always tells me if we get divorce I wont get his house, etc, yet I contribute towards everything except the house and medical aid. Am I wrong to chat to this guy?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You don't make it entirely clear that it is so, but I'm guessing that he has ALWAYS been this way ? Or does this represent an odder, recent change in him ? People in adult years don't usually change unless they are strongly motivated to do so, and unless them themselves sincerely see aspects of their behaviour as wrong, unhelpful or regrettable.
Is it possible that your husband could be persuaded, even if he saw it more as an effort to "fix you" rather than admitting it is him who needs to change, to take part sincerely in marriage counselling, to enhalnce the mariage and see to what extent it could be improved ?
And don't just tamely accept what he tells you about what he HOPES might be the outcome of a divorce. WHILE YOU ARE BLAMELESS, it would be likely that you would receive some fair share of the family / marital assets in proportion to what you have contributed, in cash and in work, but you need a lawyer to discuss these points. It is also rather likely that you would get custody of the children, and that your husband would be required to p[ay maintenance towards the continuing costs of bringing them up.
Now, though, what you're asking about is different. It seems to be : "Given that this is how my husband is, and always has been, am I justified in flirting with someeone else ? "
The answer is that this is almost always a really bad idea.
The issue of your chatting up this other guy who makes you feel good isn't ( at least if you are asking me to comment based on my own expertise ) whether it is Right or Wrong ( which you'd need to discuss with your religious leader ) but whether its a good idea and likely to lead to happiness, and then the answer would be no. Affairs, especially in the work-place usually do not lead to happiness, and in a setting such as you describe, your husband could use this against you in any divorce and custody proceedings.
Better see if there is any posibility to work together towards fixing the marriage, or plan to
divorce and protect yourself and your children as much as possible.
You realise, surely, that by being tempted to flirt or worse, you would be making his suspicions come true ?
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