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05 Jul 2005

Would you forgive &or forget? I am hurting, she must be hurting more
I am a saleman for a big IT company based in JHB. My job requires extensive travelling. I am currently in Cape Town since Friday, my family (wife and two kids of 3 and 1) of course in behind in JHB. I miss them very much.

My wife feels so unsecured and joulousy about this. She always thinks that when I a m on a trip I am on to cheat on her. I invite her to come along but unfortunatley she has her job demands so she cannot join me. it does not matter what I do unless you can advise me better. She just reads little things and tell me I am about to cheat.

When my cell battery went dead and she could contact me from the hotel room, she told me forgetting a charger behind and not cell going off is a sign and tactics of cheaters. To which I begged her to understand that I wont understand such as I am and has never been a cheater, so I would not know. I qualified that with a question, how would she know?

She also elleged that she will also do the same, go out until early hours and do what I do, which to her I was there "shagging another" woman - she said. I got concerned that she says that she will be cheating on me form then on. I said the truth about our marriage - lack of sexual activity that I have been suffering since she has be either unfit or tired or the kids lately despite that I catch her tome and again masturbating and I help with the house chores kids etc.

We ended up using hurtful words and accussations. I cannot repeat them. i am hurting. I am going back home. But she does not want to talk to me. I am sure she is hurting too. But I do not blame this situation to any of the two of us but INSECURITIES and JEALOUSY and how we managed those from both our sides. I am faithful to my wife. I love her. I want to know from her where she wants us to go whether she wants reconcilliation, and how to win her back. I would understand though is she no longer want me in her life. Not that I will not put up an effort or a fight to get my happy marriage back on track, but we exchanged shameful words, I regret and will regret forever, I would understand if she does not want me nomore. I love her. I am in tears right now. What do you suggest I do when I hit home this evening? How do we address this? She does not want to talk to me and she is threatening that by the time I get home she will not be there. Please help.

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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Monezi,
It ounds like you two realy nee to get involved in some marriage counselling ! Your wife, as you describe her, sounds very insecure and almost paranoid in her suspicions, in a way that is very damaging to a relationship --- and while someone feels like that, there's no way to prove that their suspicions are false.
Make sure you tell her clearly and often that you love her, and are faithful to her, and want whatever is uncomfortable between you to be healed. Hence the value of counselling.
I don't think this is an issue of wheher to forgive and forget ; maybe one of forgive and learn. Are their more senior family members, perhaps of her own family, who can mediate between you two, and persuade her to join you in counselling ? And she should recognize, when you suggest this, that cheaters never want to enter counselling.
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