Ask an expert

27 Nov 2005

Bi-Sexual Husband has cheated on me - we are seperating
To all who responded to my previous posting (369).

Just to fill you in on what has since transpired. My husband has joined Sotts, which is a support group / list for gay / bisexual men and women. Since then and since last time I posted here, he has again joined gay dating sites, saying he is looking for men or bi-sexual couples to have discreet sex with and has even taken phone numbers from some of them and given them his MSN mail address and they have been sending each other filthy messages. God only knows what else he has been up to. He has also told them things that he hasn't told me and I told him I want the truth. All of it - good or bad - I deserve that much. He has told them that he hopes I have an affair so that will give him an "easy way out of the marriage" and he has also told them that he has had several sexual encounters with men before and during our marriage. I approached him about it and he told me it was just the 2 occassions before we got married and 2 occassions since we got married, which he says was about 3 years ago. He also says the 1 was just fondling each other and the other time he gave a man a blowjob (he says he had a condom on) - both of these occassions he says was with perfect strangers at a sex shop. Sorry for him, but I can no longer believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Besides, that is bad enough for me. How am I to be sure that he hasn't done anything else with anyone else. I am so afraid that he might have done something without protection, and ultimately put me at risk too. How can I believe that he did it 3 years ago, and not since - yet he claims his urges get stronger by the day. One of the men on the support list says that you apparently get "gayer by the day". I also told him that he has cheated on me, but he doesn't see it that way because it was not an "affair", only "casual sex" or "an activity" as he calls it. He also says that he didn't apologize to me even now because he has already asked God for forgiveness and he is the only one who can forgive. You must understand that my husband is very religious and comes from a very religious family, so I cannot understand how he can stand up and take marriage vows and then cheat on me and somehow justify it in his sick mind. I told him if he loved me even a little bit, he would not have cheated on me. I would never cheat on someone I love. You just don't do that to someone you love. He has also told his support group that he is going to try and have another sexual encounter with a man and he will see how he feels in 6 months and if he still has urges, he will ask me for a divorce. It would've been nice if he could've informed me of this decision. It seems that he thinks he is the only one in the marriage. I think he is so afraid of me taking his daughter away (back down to PE to my folks - we are in JHB) and then he will never get to see her. This might be the only choice, as I cannot afford to live in my own place financially.

We are, just for the moment, going to be staying together, as we are in financial dire straits at the moment too, which makes things even worse. I cannot tell my family and friends yet - they would be furious with him. But we are going to live seperate lives. Then when we are back on our feet financially, we will live seperately and get divorced - I don't know where I will go yet as I cannot afford a place of my own. The word "divorce" sticks in my throat. I never thought I would get divorced. I thought I had one of the best marriages and one of the best husbands. I feel like 7 years of my life have been a joke. He's been acting through it all - it has apparently been agony for him. God, I wish he'd told me he was bi-sexual before we got married - I would never have married him. I might have stood a better chance of finding someone else 7 years ago. Now I am 33 with a child and "baggage". Who would want that? I feel like he has robbed me of 7 years. Not only cheated on me, but cheated me out of 7 years of my life. He also told his support group that I wanted him to go for councelling, and then us together (as suggested by Expert) and he said to them that he didn't want to because he "hasn't got a disease". If there are any bi-sexuals out there reading this. I beg you to go out only with other bi-sexuals or gays of your own gender - it is not fair to do to someone what he has done to me.

Just to mention also that this is the worst pain anyone has or could ever cause me and what makes it worse is it was caused by the man that I thought would never ever hurt me.

A man said on Oprah the other day (they had a show about married men who cheated) that 99% of married men cheat and if they tell you they don't, they're lying. I now believe that this percentage might actually be accurate, based on mine and all my friends and acquantances experiences. But I never thought I would be one of the wives who were cheated on. I am doubtful as to whether many people will believe he did this to me, because everyone always tells me how lucky I am to have him. If only they knew.

I will sign off now. Thanks for your time.
Answer 1,912 views
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Anonymous, thank you for posting again and I'm sorry that your circumstances have deteriorated further since you last communicated with us. I can only attempt to imagine the various emotions you must be experiencing - just reading your post I experienced a sense of outrage at this man's refusal to accept any responsibility for the hurt he has caused you through his deceit and his perpetuated betrayal of your trust. His failure to be honest and apologise to you because he has been already been forgiven by God is simply outrageous. He seems to distort reality to suit his own needs. He sounds manipulative and I wouldn't be surprised if he has narcissistic tendencies. His claiming to be bisexual is not - NOT - a premeditating factor for his outrageous sense of entitlement.

I'm sorry to say this about someone you've trusted and loved but - being totally blunt - he sounds like really bad news and he gives the gay community a bad name. The problem isn't his sexual orientation - the problem lies in the manner in which he's chosen to deal with his being gay or possibly bisexual which has more to do with his personality than his sexual orientation. You've been hurt in the process. You're probably better off without him and it's a pity that your finances don't allow you to create some distance between you.

You sound like an articulate, sensible, sensitive and very insightful woman. Don't allow this man to cause you any more harm and I sincerely hope that you'll be able to rediscover yourself, invest in yourself and nurture yourself to the point that you'll be able to grow way beyond this experience. Call in your friends and family, allow them to support you and don't feel compelled to shelter or protect him - you've already been compromised too much. I wish you well.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.