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14 Mar 2007

End of Relationship?
Hi there all,
I need some advise (or a shoulder) from you guys.
My heart is very sore this morning since it was broken last night.
I'm in (or maybe have been in) a relationship with a wonderfull guy for four years, we've known each other for 6. He has always been out to everybody. Me on the other hand, although I always knew I was gay, did not come out of the closet until only about the time when we met, an then not to everyone, only to those friends whom I care about a lot as I feel they deserve the truth.
I was away last week and missed him so much. Yesterday I went to him, bought him a card and some chocolate to say just how much I've missed being with him. It was so great to be together again after a whole week without each other. He took me out for some dinner and we had a really great time.
When we got back to his place, we went to his room and we chatted and kissed and snuggled a bit (wonderfull, I really love him to bits) We were laying on the bed when he got an SMS from a friend whom he met during the week while I was gone, wanting to know how he was doing. He rsponded saying that I was with him and that he was enjoying it so much since he missed me too.

At that stage we were semi naked and having a bit more fun when the other guy replied by saying that he was so glad to hear that and hoped we had fun.
I lay in my boyfriends arm on his chest, playing with 'him' while he replied. He did not realise that I could see what he was typing and he replied, to the other guy saying
"sorry, I had to say that because my boyfriend (me) was looking at his sms's.
I have never felt so humiliated, and hurt as I did at that point. I got up, got dressed and left, saying that I do not like being held for the fool. I could not believe whathad happened as I drove home.
He sms'ed me saying that he did not mean anything and just wanted to guage the other guys feelings towards him and the he did not feel anything for the other guy.
What should I do, my heart DESPERATELY tries telling me to accept the apology and move on, but my mind says that it will happen again, maybe because it happened before when he moved in with another guy for about two months.
Pleas give me advise, my head is hurting from trying to think what to do.

Thanks,
Hartseer
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Oh dear Hartseer this really sounds horrid and I can quite understand your feeling devastated.

You've received several great responses (well done Deeve and Steve) and I can only affirm that you really need to confront your boyfriend head-on - don't buy his stupid and flippant comment that he was merely 'testing' some guy. Forget your feelings of love and instead access your feelings of anger when you talk to him - you're entitled to FAR more than he's been giving you. Don't allow him to manipulate you or to play on your feelings - he needs to assume full responsibility for his behaviour.

Four years is certainly a long time and the norms and values of the relationship have no doubt been established. If he hasn't been able to abide by and respect these now, how will he manage them a few more years down the line? A great response from Steve - don't just walk away from this relationship. Allow him a space to explain himself and assume responsibility, and to suggest to you how he thinks he can engender trust again. But if you're not satisfied, move on. It is better being single than being in a destructive relationship.

Please keep posting here and tell us how you're doing......
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