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28 Jul 2005

General Advice

I am currently in wonderfull relationship with a person that I really care about. We met on the net about five years ago and have been together ever since. We live comfortably, love eachothers company, have a lovely home and two adorable pooches.

My problem relates to our sex life. I am not really sexually turned on by him. We are not into anal penetration but do other stuff. However, it always feels like a chore. I was sexually abused as a child and keep wondering if this has something to do with it. I prefer watching porn and masturbating on my own. My partner is very patient and puts no pressure on me.

Is there anyway that I can change the way I feel? I am thinking that sub consciously I see sexual intimacy as related to some abuse and that this makes me feel vunerable with my partner. Could this be the case?

I fantasise about being with other guys all the time (sexually) but know that I have found my soul mate. Am I just being a typical male (DOG)?

Is there any help for someone like myself?
Would it be advisable for us to see a sex therapist together? Do you think I need therapy?

Any advice would be appreciated.


Answer 359 views
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Tristan, thanks for your posting -

You describe your relationship as "wonderful" after meeting five years ago and sketch a scene of contentment and emotional comfort. However, everything has a shadow and in your case the shadow is that you're not sexually attracted to your partner and sex has become a "chore". Your sex-drive seems active and you prefer watching porn and masturbating, with fantasies of other men.

I doubt whether your experiencing childhood sexual abuse plays a part in this - I assume you were sexually active with other men before you met your partner, and I assume you and your partner enjoyed an active sex life until you stopped being turned on by him.

So I'm assuming that the problem is that you're no longer sexually attracted to your partner? In which case I'd explore whether he's changed in some way - you were sexually attracted to him previously - or how you've changed. Perhaps your expectations or needs have changed. Often our partners haven't changed - our own needs and desires have changed and we haven't kept our partners up to date. So we run ahead of them and create a fantasy world - that excludes them - and then wonder how we left them behind.

Be aware that watching too much porn - featuring perfect studs, perfect bodies, perfect smiles, perfect sex - can distance you from seeing the true value in your partner who may not be able to compete with the average porn actor.

Sometimes sex becomes a bit dull. No sense of raunchy, no excitement, no wow-factor. What have you done to add some spice to the recipe? Explore a fantasy or two, a new venue (plan a weekend away?), a new toy or seduce him with a trick you know will race his motor. Intimacy and sexual sizzle can fade as emotional comfort sets in. Many gay men have difficulty equating sexual energy with emotional comfort - they feel vulnerable when dealing with real emotional content and feel more confident with a highly-charged sexual energy. Never underestimate the value of the emotional space you enjoy with your partner.

Personally, I think you're OK and I doubt that you need to see a sex therapist. And slow down on the porn.
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