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18 Apr 2006

I am back from a break
Hi guys.

Thanks for asking about me, particularly Brad, Expert, Nikki, thoughtful. I have done well with the drinking have not been drinking for 3 weeks now. I am focusing on my running alot. Just feeling increasingly anxious when I came back to work today, could not sleep at all. My partner was with me during our break and I tried to talk to him, but we dont really get anywhere, just lots of anger and I am very fearful of him. I need to see someone to help with what I think is also a very poor self image and lack of confidence. My partner at least said something about that. He says I am far too secretive and i dont talk about how I really feel, but how can I talk when he gets so angry when I want to say How I really feel. Look he is only human and older than me and far more anxious. I think If I could just remain calm. last night was a particular difficult one for me I could not get this straight boy out of my mind. You see I love the person very much and I know you tired of hearing this. This morning I came to work did nothing to encourage any conversation because I am just keeping to myslef and here he comes and shows me pictures of his sons baptism and pictures of him and his gf. Its these things that make me feel sad. But Like you all say straight boy is a symptom. Many nights I feel so worthless and am so sad about the fact that I have this problem of loneliness and depression, I hate being a victim it makes me so unhappy that I am unable to get to grips with my situation and whats worse there are many people out there that have never had the love and opportunities I have had and they can cope, I really feel very unhappy about this. Somedays I practice breathing excercises and try stay focused, I will look at a flame on candle and focus it does calm me. I feel also very vulnerable around straight boy and very nervous this too makes me unhappy. I really need to see someone here in JHB that I can trust someone who can understand a gay guy and also be able to help with stress and straight boy and depression and self image, I just dont know where to start and I am scared. Thankyou for caring guys.
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Expert
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Lonelyboy and thanks for the update. Many who have been following your progress are impressed by your increasing ability to take charge of your situation and congrats on something you said today - we've been waiting for you to see someone to help you deal with everything and today you acknowledged that. Nikki has made a suggestion, maybe others will make suggestions too - I don't know any gay-friendly psychologists in Johannesburg.
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