Ask an expert

01 Apr 2006

Post 390, the boyfriends side...
This can be a long typo so pls, bare with me. Here me out too.
Please Doc, I would love your reply...

About 4years ago I met the most interesting guy on the planet at a mutual friends party. He's gorgeous, intelegent and most of all, SO CARING.
It all started out by me smsing him and just making friends with him. Damn, I blushed every time I would get a sms from him and jump up and down cuz from the beginning I knew that he was for me. I took the first step and started asking him about his penis and loads of other private and personal questions...he replied and I knew that there was alot more to this smsing then meets the eye.

Only about a year after we first met I saw him again at another friends party. This time he was even more atractive then what I can remember and we were chatting the whole night (ignoring whoever wanted a 'piece of the action'). During the night he told me that he'd like to ask me something, a favour and me being very open about my sexuality by then to selected friends I was all ears and really couldnt wait for the night to end.
He never got to asking me the favour that night but did as soon as he had the chance to.
The favour? He wanted to know whether I would sleep with him cuz he'd really like to know what it would be like to sleep with another guy. I agreed but also told him, then already, that I will most probably fall head over heals in love with him seeing that I have developed feelings for him deep down already.

A week after he smsed me we had sex and 2 days later he phoned me to find out how I was doing. "I've fallen head over heals for you" I told him. He said that he felt the same....

We started going out, sneaked in Toilets to kiss at a local dance and had to sneak out a window smaller then the opening of a lawn he's still got problem and only started seeing a physio about 2months

That's where it all started...then it started again and ended and started and ended again. Up until now (posting nr 390) we have broken up 11times...eleven!!!!

I wont ever know what he lied about to me for all these years cuz he only told me about 10% of it and this only reflecting the minor, say about the last 6months' troubles.
Now he started of with the trust issue. I agree, the trust issue bacame so bad that I couldnt sleep at night....but I had reason. READ ON, PLS...

To make my essay a little shorter I am going to cut right to the chase. About a year ago I asked him when he got his dating profile (on a local dating site) to which he said that he's had that for over a year now and that he only checked in every now and then to get to see who's there and who's msging him. After a long chat on Thursday night I found out that he lied about that and that after we had so many arguments about it I WAS RIGHT, he DID create it only a month b4 I saw it... According to his profile he was single, he was looking for 'regular sex partners' amongst other things. NOW HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?
I also freaked out about a guy sending him msgs to which he said "if you ever ask me again if I am cheating I will break up with you"...also he confessed that him and this dude DID talk dirty.
His friends was another BIG issue (cuz he's not out completely, and wasnt for the first 2years of our relationship if not longer), Thursday night he also told me that he lied to me about where he went on a night where I was sure he was lying to me. Turns out that he went to a club with friends after I asked him nicely to not go to these type of clubs or do those type of stuff without me. He always promised me that he wont.....and now?
Then there's his family, he had a rough childhood but whenever I would want to bring up the subject it would get taked over and it would be the end of it. Never did I get to know what really happend to him as a little boy, I STILL DONT!

In my defence, I took him back 9 out of the 11times, one time I even broke up with someone to be with him again. I feel that by that time he KNEW he wasnt going to (or wont be ready to tell his folks but he lied to me and gave me false hope) to which I held on to for all this time.
He promised me that night that the day he is done studying he'll tell his folks cuz then he'll be out of their house and independant...Thursday night he told me that he had no intention of doing so until the end of the year, we had fights about it and he would get upset cuz "How can you think such a thing"?

I had faults of my own. Someone told me that they'll prove that he'll cheat on me and this person then opened a profile on the same dating site he was and BINGO. The reply he got was this: "...........maybe you'll get more than just a blowjob........" Now are you still wondering where my paranoia comes from?


"but it never ever got to the point of him thinking I was cheating. But then it did and its so frustrating because I have never even thought of doing that. I have remained faithful all this time and intended to remain faithful to him forever.But then in the process, things were done behind my back which insulted me, broke me, and consequently, I've lost the love of my life."

I would take his cell phone cuz this guy became nasty and told me that is I do not keep him company during weekends that he'll sms or msg him and tell him everything. Of course me being so in love with him made me so paranoid that I would be afraid every time his phone beeps. I did things behind his back because I suspected him doing that after I got confermation.

I can go on and on and on but why? I saw him again last night after our chat on Thursday night. I am still hurting cuz I KNOW there's tons of stuff that's still not said and still not counted for. He's still not being completely honest with me and it's almost like he came here to measure up what I did so that he could feel okay bout what he did.

I love him so much people, Really, I DO. I sit here and I am crying cuz my heart is aching. My baby is at home when he should be here giving me the oppertunity to just hold him and love him. He left here this morning wanting to hug me. I was so selfish and I didnt...I gave him the hand and told him to shake my hand. We slept in the same bed and because we had a few too many drinks I ended up wanting him to kiss me. It's so hard for me cuz I know that we BOTH screwed up Big Time, we both made mistakes and we both are doing things to hurt the other one.

I've got so many questions and need so many answers but primarily I need a answer for this QUESTION:


I fear that he's afraid of commitment, that he's never going to tell his folks. He'll probably come and tell me that he promise me that he will, but how do you believe that? I made mistakes I know but I feel that i've lost alot of times. I've been comfortable with myself eversince I found out I was gay...he's been strugling with it eversince he told me he was gay at my 21st Birtday (which make me thinks the only reason he told me that was cuz he was jelous of me and my partner at that time).

Pls, I am so drained. I've been sleeping with my eyes open...I just need my life back cuz my boyfriend deserves me and I know I deserve him. We made mistakes, but can we fix it?

Answer 335 views
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Question.... welcome to our forum, thanks for posting and I sincerely regret this delayed response - we encountered a slight hiccup which has since been resolved.

I think everyone can relate to your experience of meeting your partner - you were clearly enamored by him and the relationship soon assumed a sexual energy. Your feelings for him intensified after you'd been intimate. From that point on it sounds as if the relationship became very complex. Eleven break-ups in four years indicate that these issues were never adequately identified or resolved from the beginning. I can understand that the 'trust issue' arose in this relationship but it is possible that it isn't the problem. It could merely be a symptom of a problem that neither of you have been able to clearly identify, label and address.

It is possible that you have tended to over-value your partner, while simultaneously under-valuing yourself. This can often lead to sense of dependence on a partner. Why else would you take someone back nine times? It also sounds as if your partner may a few issues related to being honest and he could be a bit impulsive and somewhat manipulative. While he needed the security you provided he may have needed to play elsewhere in order to affirm his own sense of value and, possibly, his sexual desirability. This probably required a very complex game in which you have both participated - him by becoming increasingly brazen and impulsive and you by becoming increasingly anxious. As you say, you became 'paranoid' rather than confront the real issue head on. Out of fear of losing him. What altered the delicate equilibrium in the relationship and brought the house tumbling down was the fact that you acquired so much 'evidence' that your anxiety levels began to overflow the relationship once you sensed that your dependence on him was being seriously threatened.

What I find interesting is that, in spite of everything you've written, you're still bargaining with the prospect of your being reconciled. You're not looking at the hard, objective facts that form the history of this relationship. Proof once again that love doesn't make a relationship 'work'. Isn't there a part of you that's angry at your partner? Do you think that you've been treated with respect and dignity? Before you try assuming responsibility for your relationship try assuming more responsibility for yourself as an individual.

Please note that I've responded purely to your post and haven't tried to integrate your partner's previous post - trying to say who's right and who's wrong would simply be another game being played and I won’t play along.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
32% - 9476 votes
68% - 20325 votes