Ask an expert

17 Sep 2009

Elusive female orgasm
I'  m 29 years old and I have never had an orgasm with hubby but I have achieved orgasm when I use my vibrator.

I have tried everything short of going to a sexologist (It is too expensive for me) - I'  ve talked to him so much about foreplay, etc he will do it on the day I mention it after that he just satisfies himself, not even aware that I didn'  t even get started. I got to a point where I HATED it when he tried to get sexy with me and I spoke to him openly about everything. I even bought books for us to go through together but to no avail. When I talk to him he seems to understand my frustration but when it comes to doing the deed he just goes back to his old patterns. He just focuses on his own pleasure and thats where it ends.

If we try out something new and I start to moan because things are warming up, he switches to automatic and it becomes about him again - of course that kills any progress I may have made. It is almost as if he does not know how to please a female and it is soo frustrating. I'  ve prayed to God, bought books, had countless conversations with him, I even bought the vibe to show him what it is supposed to be like but he just falls back into his old patterns.

I believe God created sex to be beautiful between husband and wife but my hubby'  s selfishness (I'  m not sure that he does this on purpose or if that is the only way he knows how to have sex) has got me so frustrated that once or twice I'  ve even thought of going astray - I will not do it but I have thought of it. I don'  t like pleasing myself....

What can I do to improve my situation?
Answer 346 views

01 Jan 0001

i fully understand your predicament and i would like to commend you for your tireless efforts to claim something that is rightfully yours: sexual pleasure is fundamental in a relationship.

i do suspect that your husband has your best interests at heart but may lack the skills and techniques to accomplish his task. many men believe that sex is a natural act and like breathing it should come naturally to them. however, this is not the case and sex needs to be taught through partner-communication, sex-ed ect. thus, i suspect that your husband needs to be re-educated regarding sex but this may take a more active role on your part - you need to ensure that he practices what the books and educational material teach. one way of doing so is to theme each sexual act, ie: today will only be sex by the use of your tongue. the next day, sex only by using your fingers. by doing so, he will come to realise that both his and your sexual satisfaction is not just based on penetration by the penis but that even a tongue can make both a man and women orgasm. by the very fact that both of you would be encountering new territory, it may put him at ease as he will not be required to perform like a pro as both of you will be novices at it (many men are taught to believe that sex requires the man to be active and women to be passive which allots men the role of sexual satisfaction and performance for both partners squarely on his shoulders alone).

if you require any further assistance, please phone our helpline; 0860 100 262.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
33% - 9362 votes
67% - 19307 votes