Ask an expert
Question

18 Jan 2013

Is it natural?
Hi

I''ve been married for about 14 months. Prior to this I knew my husband for 2 years. Prior to that I was in 2 (sexual) relationships - one for 4 years and the other 6 years - whereafter I met my husband.

Just after I met my husband he informed me that he was still a virgin (age 36) and that I should not expect sex in our relationship until we''re married. He also mentioned that there was nothing wrong with him - those were his beliefs. I respected that and I felt very priviledged to have met a guy with such strong beliefs.

Our pre-marital counsellor strongly recommended that we, at least, bath together before the wedding - but my husband was strongly against it.

Now, 14 months after our wedding, I''m seriously having problems understanding my husband''s sexual behaviour.

There is no foreplay and when there is, he climaxes without intercourse. When there is intercourse he climaxes within 1 minute and then that''s it - he''s done and I''m staring at the roof wondering what the hell I''m doing in this marriage. I''ve never reached a climax in this marriage. When he feels sexually aroused, I wants me to lie on top of him (clothes on), then it''s a bit of " rubbing" , kissing and he climaxes - no foreplay, no satisfaction for me. Our honeymoon was a disaster. First wedding night - we were too tired. Second wedding night, he climaxed with clothes on... 3rd day on honeymoon I''ve tried to show him what to do - but since then he doesn''t show much enthusiasm... it''s all about him all the time. I have tried several times to take the lead, but still - all the satisfaction for him, nothing for me.

Honestly, I''m sexually frustrated. I''m irritated in this marriage and I feel that I want " out" .

Further to this: he''s completely ruined my self-esteem. When we go out to places he''d stare at young girls with big boobs (my dear Father in Heaven didn''t bless me with much - I''m a size 34AA) and he can''t keep his eyes away from blonds, young, tall, skinny girls. Okay: I''m 34 years of age. I''m short (1.59m), I exercise, I eat healthy, I look after myself and I never go out if I''m not dressed properly. Whenever I''m in the company of other men, they always tell me how beautiful I am and what a lovely person I am. In general, men find me attractive and they love spending time with me. When we go to places I can see how men look at me - BUT NOT MY HUSBAND. He''s blind for his wife!! I don''t want other men to look at me - I want my husband''s attention, but he''d rather stare at younger women. Argggghhhhh!!!!

I monthly go for waxing - Brasilian on the biki area. A couple of days ago he said that he''ll pay for my Hollywood wax when I''m going again for waxes. I thought  WTF?! I was really upset. I then said to him to also then he is welcome to also pay R40,000 for boobs. And I also said that if I go for a Hollywood wax he''d have to go aswell, cause he''s not hairless!!!!!

I said to him the other day that he married the wrong person. But he keeps telling me how much he loves me.

What do I do?? I don''t want to have children with my husband if this is our sexual life just after 14 months??

Answer 291 views
Expert
Sexologist
sexologist

01 Jan 0001

I am sorry that your sexual relationship with your husband leaves you feeling so frustrated. It seems from what you describe that your husband has Premature Ejaculation meaning that he ejaculates very soon after penetration (or before) and finds it very difficult or impossible to prolong this. It can be very frustrating for partners but also can cause the person concerned to become more anxious and want to perhaps avoid being intimate at all for fear of failure. It would be a good idea for you to get help for this as a couple. It would be necessary to find out whether this has always been the case for him or whether he can at any stage delay ejaculation. It would be neccsary to rule out a medical condition which may contribute (eg. hyperthyroidism). Counsellling would be necessary to explain to him that it leaves you feeling frustrated and that you need to have stimulation, foreplay and even continued stimulation to orgasm eventhough he may have already ejaculated. There are techniques which can be taught which can perhaps delay ejaculation. This involves stopping movement before ejaculation occurs until greater control is learnt and time to ejaculation prolonged. You could also try to use a local anesthetic on the penis so that the sensations for him are not as strong. It may be a good idea for him to wear a condom so that this medication does not affect the sensations which you experience though. There are also medications which he could try. These are called SSRIs. They are traditionally used as antidepressants but are known to delay ejaculation and may help. You also need to have a discussion where you explain how you feel when he stares at other women and how it makes you feel. It is important that you are able to communicate these feelings to him in a sensitive way but you need to be able to explain how it makes you feel. For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru. For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.