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21 Sep 2009

No Sex
Hi Doc,

My Wife and I are both 31  married 4 years. No kids.

She has become totally disinterested in intimacy. She avoids the topic completely. She avoids every advance I make.
I don' t know where else to turn.

I' ve tried everything ( I think ) from the dinner-movies, flowers, jewelery, walks, picnics, hanging out, bonding, just chatting.
I DON' T EXPECT sex from every effort/advance.
Our highest degree of intimacy is the fact that we sleep next to each other.
We have sex once every 1 to 2 months, and even then she treats it like a " duty"  or chore she has to complete  her attitude towards it has changed horribly.

Another concern of mine is that she has NEVER seen a Gynaecologist  EVER. She refuses. Is this normal ?

I love my Wife more than words can tell, but I really don' t know what to do, as, as I say, she refuses to even address the issue.

Answer 501 views

01 Jan 0001

There are a number of reasons for having a low sex drive, including natural variation between people, but in more severe cases it could be due to physiological factors, or even restrictive/negative learning about sex or sexual relationships such that sexuality is suppressed or ‘deprioritised’. Drive can also fluctuate during the menstrual cycle, and typically is higher in the first 6mnths-3yrs of a relationship (due to chemical/hormonal changes in this time). Many women begin to feel resentful if they feel they HAVE to have sex - and that reduces their sexual interest; your wife may in fact begin to avoid affection and other intimacy because she's afraid it'll lead to sex. The best way forward is to drop the expectation, and go with the flow more. Talk to her about this so she knows she can relax a bit. She probably knows that you have a higher sex drive than she does, so maybe talk about ways that this can be met when she's not desiring it (a useful way of talking about it is like other sexual appetites - I'm hungry, you're not, would you mind making me a sandwich or should I make myself one?). If it ends up with you 'making yourself one' (i.e. masturbating) more often than not, this also needs to be addressed as she could drive her response a little more to meet some of your needs. It sounds like she is a very private person and could be afraid of going to a gynaecologist. Fears are normal. If she is more comfortable with a family doctor, he / she could also do the checkups if there are no problems or symptoms. Visit the SA Sexual Health Association website for more information
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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