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20 Mar 2003

orgasm
I have never experienced an orgasm and am worried that something is wrong with me or I am doing something wrong. My partner feels that it is something that he is doing wrong. Which puts pressure on both of us. He keeps telling me to let go - Let go of what?
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Expert
Sexologist
sexy

01 Jan 0001

The secret about an orgasm is that it starts in your head and NOT in your body. You have to be prepared for an orgasm. You have to be accepting of it and want it. Imagine if the man/woman of your dreams walked through that door and said, “Honey, I am going to make all your fantasies come true tonight,” would you be orgasmic? If your answer is no or maybe, then the problem is you don’t feel comfortable having an orgasm. The correct response should have been, “oh baby…yes” or “about time you showed up”.

You must allow your imagination to play and give yourself permission to experience all the emotions and sensations associated with an orgasm—even the scary ones—the ones where you give up control and lose yourself in the moment. And if you feel uncomfortable with your sensuality, talk to a Sex Therapist or counsellor who can assist you with it. (Call SA Sexual Health Association 0860 100 262 for a referral in your area)

Biologically, your body begins its orgasmic process, called the Sexual Response Cycle, through Excitement. This is where you see something you like, a handsome man/woman, cute buns, your partner in a towel, etc. Your imagination starts to flow and suddenly you’re thinking of more intimate things you’d like to do with him. You begin to lubricate and your vulva begins to engorge; men experience a hardening of their penis. (Women over 35 may not attain sufficient lubrication for intercourse therefore it’s essential, for comfort, to use artificial lubrication.)

Excitement leads into the Plateau phase where foreplay comes in and where communication is essential for greater pleasure. Share with your partner what you feel, what you want him/her to do. If you’re too shy, guide his hand, his face, his body. (Men love this assertiveness in women!) Your breathing will become a little labored and you may experience a “blushing” on your body from your stomach up to your face. This is perfectly normal. As foreplay continues—and ladies ensure to ask for all the foreplay you want—you move into the Orgasmic phase.

The Orgasmic phase is where your body tenses and a pressure builds within you. You will feel your body tremble and spasm. Your breathing becomes more labored, your blood pressure is accelerated; this is where many women/men lose their orgasm due to fear or staying in their “heads”. (This is NOT THE TIME to have the good-girls don’t discussion with yourself or remembering that last time you couldn’t keep your erection. Leave that for later.) Allow yourself to let go! Focus only on the delicious sensations occurring in your body. If any thoughts come in to intrude on your pleasure, ignore them, and re-focus your mind on your body and what your partner (or you) are doing.

Give yourself permission to enjoy the feelings which may be a bit overwhelming but you will enjoy immensely once it’s over. Some people scream, laugh, cry, grunt, giggle, get very quiet…etc during their orgasm. Whatever you do, is perfectly ok. There’s nothing wrong with expressing your delight. And again, your partner will love your expressiveness as it will feed his ego and his desire to gave you sweet ecstasy.

Once you’ve allowed your orgasm, your body moves into the Resolution phase. This is where your blood pressure goes back to normal, your breathing regulates, and the tension in your body is released. All women have the ability to be multi-orgasmic and during this phase you can either reinitiate stimulation for another orgasm or bring your lovemaking to a tender conclusion. And men, if you achieve your climax before your partner, you can continue to pleasure your partner manually, orally or with a sexual device. Do not feel you have failed or must stop. That merely creates frustration and hurt feelings. Have confidence in yourself and your creative abilities!

Finally, there is the Refractory Period in which further stimulation is painful or undesirable; this can last anywhere from a few minutes or longer. (For men, this is the period in which they are unable to achieve another erection after climaxing. This time period also varies in men depending on their age and medical health.)

Orgasms and climaxes are different for everyone. Some experience it as a delicious tickle in their bodies, others as an intensity which grips them and doesn’t let go until it reaches its climatic conclusion, causing difficulty breathing. Some orgasms last a few seconds, a few minutes, even a few hours. Some women also experience female ejaculation. Whatever you experience, it is right for you! And sharing it with your partner, whether you’re loud, quiet, or burst into giggles is something many men and women tell me they wish their loved ones would share more often.

Another important factor about Orgasms often overlooked is that Orgasms are NOT LIMITED only to your genitalia. You can experience an orgasm from a touch, a kiss, rubbing your body against your partner’s, from a picture or a movie, absolutely anything that strikes your fancy. Personally, mine is the right side of my neck. A gentle touch, a sensual kiss can send shivers down my spine for hours. It really doesn’t matter where you’re most orgasmic, so long as you allow yourself the sensations and the pleasure of it. Your body is full of erogenous zones. Discover them all!

There are many products on the market which claim to increase your orgasmic potential or increase your arousal. Some are worth the money you would spend for them, others are not. It’s essential to remember that orgasms start in your mind and your imagination and not merely in your body.
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