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12 Feb 2004

Prefer masturbation
My man seems to prefer masturbating than having sex. Should I look elsewhere?
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Expert
Sexologist
sexy

01 Jan 0001

I see a few issues going on here. First, his masturbation bothers you. Masturbation, for most people, is intensely private and independent of whether or not they are having partner sex. For example, some people masturbate less when they are having partner sex, some masturbate exactly the same amount, and others masturbate more, as if the pump is primed.

Second, his perception seems to be different from yours. For example, your husband seems to think that his masturbation is an addition to your sex together, whereas, you seem to see it as a substitution. What is the reality? How often are you actually having sex with one another? This reminds me of a scene in "Annie Hall", where each person in the couple are seeing their own therapist. His therapist asks the Woody Allen character, "How often do you have sex?", and his answer is "hardly ever...three times a week"! When Diane Keaton character¹s therapist asks her, "How often do you have sex?", her reply is, "Oh, all the time... 3 times a week." See if you can write down when you are actually having sex, and use that as a starting point to talk with your husband.

Third, you feel deprived, frustrated, and angry that you are not getting your needs met. This may be a harder issue. One of the most common disagreements between couples is their differing desires concerning frequency of sex. So try to figure out what would be acceptable to you, and to him, and see where you can find common ground, or areas of agreement.

Was it ever any different? What do you think changed? What, if anything, changed for him?

I would think about expanding your definition of sex. Is it intercourse you want? orgasm with him? touching? being wanted? kissing? tenderness? Perhaps you need to be more clear on exactly what your needs are, or what needs the behaviors might be fulfilling, or possible other ways to get to the same goal. For example, perhaps the need for intercourse would abate if you took a couple¹s massage course together.

There is an expression, "Don't pursue a distancer", and since you have done everything to interest your husband to no avail, I think you might need some assistance in changing the dynamic. I would really think about the idea of seeing someone to talk with this about. Couple counseling is one option, but I wouldn¹t hesitate to go into individual counseling if he will not go, for whatever reason. Life is too short to spend it feeling angry. A counselor can help you figure out your options. Communicating clearly is a skill that can be strengthened, and talking with someone may be the next step in bringing you one step closer to your perhaps newly redefined goals. You owe it to yourself.

Call SA Sexual Health Association on 0860 100 262 for a referral

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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