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27 Jan 2004

14 year old boy is having sex with 14 year old girl with bad background - pls help!!
Dear Doc

My 14 year old son is going out with a girl his age, but with 20x more experience than he does. She is a little whore, to put it bluntly. I caught him with her this morning, while he was supposed to be in school (i.e. he bunked school). They “made out” today, and apparently they lay on the same bed at some point. I am angry, disappointed and sad, but I cannot blame him.

He is living with his mom, as I cannot care for him in the full sense at this point. I wish I could. His mom is married to her seventh husband, (I was number 2), and she has a child with 5 of us and 4 we don’t know. She herself is quite a whore, with basically no morals and like to chat up men in the bar where she works. We do have a good relationship, though, and I never bad mouth her as I do here.

I don’t know for sure if they had sex or not, but the signs are there. After I gave him a lecture, and after he cooled off, he came to me, but his eyes were just too bright, and he just couldn’t look me in the eye. I mean, he looked like he got a million bucks! I think you know what I mean.

I don’t know what to tell my son or how to handle the situation. He promised me he won’t have sex AT ALL before he is at least 18. I mean, he doesn’t even know the facts of life properly!!! What if this girl falls pregnant??? I felt like killing both of them, and now I just feel scared and very sore.

This girl is 14 as he is, and she had sex with every despicable human being in this town. She had sex from age 11 onwards. I don’t know if she has any STD’s, but chances are quite good. Francois (my son) claims that this girl has turned a new page over, but as I know from life, one tend to turn that page, only to leave a bookmark at the previous page just to glimpse back, and that’s what worries me!

I can trust my son, I know I can, but I cannot trust that girl. This is not only a dad speaking here, this is an expierenced man – because I was in that exact same position many years ago. I know that my son has the best of intentions, but I also KNOW beyond a doubt that that girl is a no-good. So young and already sexually active? It makes me sick. I KNOW beyond a doubt that she does not have the pure intentions my son has! OK, I admit I am overprotective in the worst sense! Sorry, but I love my son more than life itself!

I cannot reason with him about the event. He gets very upset, and I can understand it. I made him a deal that I will make a point of it to get to know this girl better, and I hope that she is what he claims she is, although I doubt it. She tried the exact same story with many more men (not boys) in the past.

How can I teach him to make sure about true feelings before he gets his pants down. How do I explain to him that he is too young for a sexual relationship?? I mean, he met the girl yesterday evening, and she already got him to bunk school on their first day! How can he be so sure about love? He doesn’t have a cooking idea what it’s all about! He is supposed to be playing with his boy tjommies and have a girl on the sideline, not shagging her on the first bloody date!!? He and she can get into SERIOUS legal trouble with this thing, if I’m not wrong, I’m talking statutory rape, or what??

OK, Saturday we will have a man-to-man talk about this. We will HAVE to discuss the birds and the bees among others AGAIN. I will let it simmer for now, and Friday I will take them to a Christian youth club in town to hang out, and there I’ll get the chance to meet and chat with the girl.

I just don’t know how to handle this thing. How do I explain to him that sex at his age is not a good idea, and not because I am trying to be spiteful? Have any clues? Sorry, I don’t know your viewpoint on this! How do I tell him that his girl might not be the best choice? How can I explain to him that I love him (he hates it if I say it) and that I’m concearned about him?
How do I explain to him in a kind matter that his mom is not the best example to follow? I never married again after our divorce. Should I be very harsh on him? Where should we start to look for examples??

Sorry if this is not my place to ask for help, but I am desperate. This boy is ALL I have, and I need the best advice I can get so I can help him!

Thank you for your valued time.

Answer 1,350 views
Teen expert
Teen health expert

01 Jan 0001

Hi Worried Dad

The best is to try and give him factual information about sex. Tell him exactly what is the positives and negatives about sex. Research tells us that sex education will prolong children's sexual activities. Therefore it is important that you tell him about the pleasure of sex but also inform him on HIV and STI's. Give him some info on condoms, this is important because if he is going to ignore your advice it is better that he knows the facts about condoms and have safer sex.

Don't bring his mom into the discussion because then he will perhaps resent you for talking about his mom in such a manner.

Don't be 2 harsh on him but you will need to have a serious talk. Don't focus 2 much on this specific girlfriend rather talk in general and inform him on the facts of life!!!

Good luck,
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