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08 Dec 2005

Daily thoughts #5
The last time I seen her. I was at work, happy and joyful. Not in a bad mood at all. So Im at the register, we were kinda dry that day. I notice a beautiful creature, red long soft hair. I never seen it this way before. Guess I was just used to seeing the working version of her. And I thought that was incredible.... Eyes, that take my heart, and that I have'nt figured out just yet. To think about her continuosly for a good week wanting to see her again, and then finally seeing her... She avoids my zone purposefully. And like we humans act, I try to act as if I dont notice her. So shes in line to my left and I glance over to see her with some guy... I turn away really fast, and my mind races. I jump to conclusions, my mood changes. All of a sudden Im, sad and worthless feeling. Im humiliated to have led myself to believe that I could have had this girl. That she would be into me. I crash. And I feel this horrible dead feeling, that I don't think I have ever felt before. I try to maintain professionalism becuase I am at work. But I can't. They can all see it on my face, what I am feeling. Because I cannot hide my uncontrollable emotions. My eyes water, I sweat and I feel faint. And while all of this Is happening, In the back of my mind, I'm wandering why Im letting me do this to myself. Then I blame It on her. Why is she doing this to me. Why did you come into my life, give me pain. I take another look, and for some reason I wave and put a fake smile on my face, while im holding tears back. She didnt wave back. She gazed at me with those eyes, as if she didnt know I existed. I seen the guy she was with. I assume he was another jock. The guy I was trying so hard to be. Then she left. And Im getting so fed up with living at home. It makes me angry just thinking about my annoying parents nagging about every single thing. School and work is enough. Not to mention half of my life bieng taken up by thinking about girls. It's almost too much to bare, I mean it is really. I hate this world somtimes. I just want to go away and live a dream. I dont know. Something. And sometimes it all seems so worthless. Sometimes I just wanna give up, and let the world kill me. Tired of fighting, and wandering why, and all of this. Well, I think I've spilled enough of my mind tonight, Im goin to sleep. And the day will surely begin with nag and then it will come to the stress of school, then girls, and on and on. Night.
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Expert
Teen expert
teen expert

01 Jan 0001

Life can be difficult at times when you are trying to negotiate life with your parents and school and relationships too. Whilst this particular girl may have someone else, this does not mean you will not find someone for yourself.

All of these things do start with you though. If you begin to gain a stronger sense of yourself and who you are rather than wanting to be some other guy - like the jock you mention then life will begin to be easier.

If you feel good about being you others will pick up on this, and it will also make handling parents and school in a more manageable way.

Persevere and you will find things become easier the more accepting of yourself you become.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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