How to make your own celebrity sex tape

These days the path to fame and fortune is paved with surreptitiously leaked personal sex videos. If you’re not a celebrity yet or if your fame is waning, a sure-fire way of rescuing yourself from obscurity and pauperism is to home-produce your very own explicit exposé. It’s worked for everyone from Paris Hilton, Fred Durst, Kim Kardashian and Kid Rock to Kendra Wilkinson, Pamela Anderson and now Laurence Fishburn’s 19-year-old daughter Montana.

So why shouldn’t it work for you?!

The genius behind this brilliant PR strategy is that it takes next to no effort, practically no money and virtually no talent. And you’re guaranteed to have loads of fun while doing it.

To get your sizzling career started, simply follow these simple steps:

Step 1: Find your partner(s)

The standard ensemble for the classic celebrity sex tape is boy-girl, but there is no reason why you shouldn’t attempt any number of alternative arrangements. Quite frankly we’re all getting a little bored with the conventional. A bit of extra spice is only going to add to your impending fame.

Chose your co-stars well. It’s probably wise to let them in on your plan - hidden cameras and non-consensual film-making tend to lead to disastrous legal quagmires – but make it clear to them from the get go that their role is strictly in the supporting actor/actress capacity. This is your sex tape, not theirs!

Step 2: Get the equipment

Not much to say here. A simple digital camera will do the trick. Make sure you are recording sound as well as video and test your equipment and scene set-up in advance. You wouldn’t want to shoot the whole thing only to find out that your Great Dane was blocking the camera’s view the whole time and you have to do the take all over again.

Step 3: The setting

Historically, the run-of-the-mill setting for celebrity sex tapes has been the bedroom. Boring! Be creative and look for an environment that will complement your performance. Possible scenarios include your car (extra points for doing it while you’re actually driving your car), a jacuzzi, your boss’ yacht, an over-night train compartment and the pool in your auntie’s garden.

Step 4: Don’t release it…yet

Whatever you do once you’ve done the deed and recorded it all, do not release it to anyone. Not yet.

Remember that you’re not actually famous quite yet. Nobody wants to see amateur footage of some arbitrary, unknown dude’s hairy butt in libidinous action. That wouldn’t do your career any favours at all.

What you need to do first is garner just a tiny little bit of celebrity status or notoriety. There are several ways to go about this. You could get yourself onto one of those silly, but popular TV shows like The Weakest Link, Survivor or Idols. If you can’t cut it as an actual participant, make a name for yourself by streaking across the set butt-naked during a live shoot. Other options include dating, or, more realistically, stalking a real-life celebrity, insulting a politician in public or pretending to the press that you’ve just won the lottery.

Step 5: Engineer the leak

Once your name and face have appeared in the media on a few occasions, the time has come to drop the bomb that will explode you into stardom. Anonymously approach a reputable Sunday newspaper – don’t worry about the tabloids and paparazzi, they’ll find you on their own – and send them a short extract from your tape. Not the whole thing and not the most saucy bits, mind you. Just enough to make it absolutely clear that it’s definitely you and that the rest of the tape promises to be extremely revealing and X-rated.

Now wait.

As soon as the affair has started to get some traction in the media, leak a couple of additional clips on YouTube and negotiate an anonymous deal to have the full-length video released on the internet. When you’re approached by the media, your first response should be to deny, deny, deny. After some time release a statement admitting that it is in fact you in the video after all, but that you’re not responsible and that your partner(s), those heartless, gold-digging bastards/bitches, are the real culprits and you’re just a gullible, innocent victim and really a very nice person.

Congratulations, you’ve successfully launched you career as a celebrity. Exclusive magazine photo shoots, biography book deals and B-movie roles await.

Sex tape do’s and don’ts

In making your sex tape, do:

  • Wear decent underwear – you don’t want to be recognized by the hole in your Y-fronts. Just ask Joost.
  • Include longish sections with the camera out of focus. It’ll make the recording look more realistic.
  • Talk to your co-stars during the recording. People are always keen to hear other’s pillow talk.

And definitely don’t:

  • Include any illegal stimulants or animals in the action.
  • Follow a script. The more amateurish and spontaneous, the more authentic your video will be.

(Andrew Luyt, Health24, August 2010)

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