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05 Jan

Am I too jealous?
My boyfriend and I started our relationship whilst he was still married even though a troubled marriage. Yes I know this is wrong. They divorced because of other reasons and probably me and after a few years we made our relationship public. He was always very secretive about his phone and said this was due to his ex wife's jealousy and trusting issues. As time went on he opened up more and trusted me with his phone password even though I never looked. Things happened that made me question if he was faithful. 1. few years ago he one night whilst visiting lady I will talk about later and her family and they all partied he drunkingly sent me a message thanking for the great night with hugs, kisses and hearts. (He then said he was so drunk he thought he partied with me) Secondly he received a letter which he flushed down the toilet before I could see.. Saying he did not want me to see because he knows I will make the wrong assumptions even though he lied about who it was at that time and later admitted it was the later mentioned lady. I confronted and he admitted that he talks with a married woman which is a old family friend from before me in another town and she shares her marriage problems with him and he gives her advice and they are very good friends. He also deletes all their messages (she asked him to do it since its private), he promised to stop lying and hiding things from me (something he have said previously). One night checked his phone (first time) and saw one message to her about "this is not the time now". which was clearly a reply to a deleted message, I freaked. His excuse was she wanted to call him and he said it was not the best time. I sent her a message asking what is going on and I do not like this. This continued into a crazy fight between me and her. Next day I confided in my mother and she said I'm childish for not trusting him (she does not know about our history from way back) So even though I did not agree I sent the other woman a message apologizing for me making conclusions But it did not end there. She kept on sending me messages telling me how pathetic I am for not trusting him etc etc and she have known him way longer than me. I blocked her. Move another day on and I'm just a breaking point with my nerves and get into a serious drunking fight with boyfriend about this, this ended in (me with some depression issues) OD on sleeping pills and almost died. I did it in the spur of the moment without thinking. Yes I know this is stupid but at that moment it felt like my only way out from all the pain and heartache. Am I just too jealous? Should I just ignore the fact that they talk about things that get deleted so I cant see? Am I over sensitive because he cheated on his wife with me and I'm scared he will do the same to me? I started drinking heavily when the feelings of that fight return. Some or other time we will need to go to this family since they are all very close to my boyfriend and his family. I suppose I will not be welcome. I do not know how to handle this. What must I do. He tells me all the time he loves me and really do a lot to show he cares. But I can't trust him. Is this relationship doomed?
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Expert
CyberShrink
CyberShrink

06 Jan

Hello JM,
I suspect it is an inevitable penalty for having had an affair with a married person, ( or someone in a close relationship ) that you will always know that they are capable of doing to you what they did to their former partner ; and vice versa.  Some of this reaction might be ordinary jealousy, some just realism.   It's not really childish to have concerns, and his secrecy and multiple signs of involvement with other women would concern most people. 
Maybe the main issue is whether you consider this relationship worth trying to save, in which case it might be more useful to persuade him to join you in seeing a marriage counsellor, to explore these issues affecting both of you, and to see what can be resolved, to potentially benefit both of you
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