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28 Jan

Household differences
Am I being unreasonable? My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and he has been living with me for the past year. It just made sense to move in together as he was spending most of his time at my place, wasting the money trying to uphold another place. We are both divorcees and each have a son (mine is 9 and his is 11). His son spends every second weekend with us, so he basically uses the spare bedroom when he visits. The bedroom has a double bed. My son has a 3 quarter bed and a much smaller room. This is what happened: my cousin and her two children stay far away, and my son only gets to see them like twice a year. They are currently visiting family in our town and my son pleaded with me to let them come and spend one night over the weekend with us. They really miss one another. So, I asked my boyfriend if it will be okay if his son swops rooms with my son for the weekend. It truly is a once-off as they won’t see one another for months when schools start. My boyfriend straight-out refused. Said that that is his son’s room and that he promised him that whenever he comes over that it is his space and his alone. And now I want to kick him out of his room, how must he feel? Also, that I can’t make decisions like that without consulting him (which I thought I did when I discussed it with him). He immediately said that they will rather go away for the weekend and we can do whatever we want. When I tried to discuss it with him again to see if we can make another plan, he just said that he decided that he and his son is going away for the weekend, so no need to further discuss it. I am extremely angry and frustrated about the entire thing. To me he is being selfish, and everything has to go their way. It is always them against us (at least that is how it feels). My son has also been complaining about how rude and nasty the boy is to him. My son is a real softy and my boyfriend’s son is loud and proud and in your face. I have also picked up on a few things that happened where he has been quite nasty to my son, but I don’t dare say something about it or it will end in a fight. Sorry about the long explanation, but I would appreciate some comments/thoughts….
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Expert
CyberShrink
CyberShrink

01 Feb

In my experience, unreasonable people rarely ask me if they are being unreasonable !  The sort of situation you describe often produces just these sorts of conflicts. Considering that this is your own home, your boyfriend does sound as though he's being a bit territorial about this, though does it have to become a problem if they choose to go away for the weekend when your family visit on this occasion ?
It sounds as though there are other problems in this area, such as dealing with future situations in which his or your family visit, how to share the space there is between the two boys, how to negotiate and settle disputes, and issues about how the boys treat each other, which apparently need to be discussed calmly and reasonably : maybe in a couple of sessions with the heklp of a relationship counsellor ?
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