Why self-love matters even if you are in a stable, long term relationship

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Nikki Loots says we should all spend quality time with ourselves, praise our achievements and do things that light us up. Image courtesy @nikkiloots/ Instagram
Nikki Loots says we should all spend quality time with ourselves, praise our achievements and do things that light us up. Image courtesy @nikkiloots/ Instagram
  • Self-love expert and mindset mentor, Nikki Loots, is on a mission to help women live a fulfilling life by transforming the relationship they have with themselves.
  • From doing yoga training in Australia to learning tantra and breath-work in Thailand, amongst many other practices, Nikki’s personal journey of self development has inspired her to create a coaching program that empowers women to build a life they cannot wait to wake up to.
  • Below, Nikki speaks about why love is important, not only in relationships with others, but in the internal relationship we have with ourselves.


LOVE is the four-letter word we have all at some point in our lives been searching for. 

I don’t know about you, but growing up, watching Disney fairytales and Hollywood romances, the underlying message that trickles through every time is: Find Prince Charming, build a life together and live happily ever after.

It’s like we have been conditioned to think that we need someone else to bring us joy, and only once we’ve met our dream partner will our lives feel complete. 

While I definitely agree that life is so much more fun when we have someone special to share it with, I do not believe we should depend on anyone else for our happiness and peace.

When we believe someone else will make us happy, we’ve given away our power to create our own joy. 

Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, it’s time to shift your beliefs that a partner is responsible for lighting up your life. It’s your life, your heart, your happiness and your responsibility.

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Why do we all search for love? Love and belonging is a human need. If a baby is born and left alone, with no nurturing, warmth and care, it will die. Love is literally in our DNA. It’s part of who we are. We all crave attention, acceptance and validation because to be loved, and to love, feels so incredibly good.

Why is it that society, our communities, even our parents taught us that we need others to receive love? Why have we so seldom been taught to love and adore ourselves?

When you need love from others, an instant expectation is created. This results in immense pressure on your partner to fulfil a role that is often unattainable. If you have low self-esteem and self-worth and are unhappy with who you are, no matter how much love and attention anyone gives you, it will never be enough.

Self-love, which is often thought to be selfish, self-centred and arrogant, is the most significant gift you can give yourself and every person around you.

Why? Because when you fill up your own cup with love and care, you become an empowered woman. You release the expectations of others to make you feel whole, you are secure within yourself, and you have so much more time and patience for others.

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What do you think will happen if you relinquish the need for external love and you give deep, unconditional love to yourself? What will happen if you put yourself first and do things to make yourself feel special?

You will become happier, less needy and more confident from within. Your energy will be lighter, you’ll flow with life, and you’ll attract more love to you because you’re fun to be around. You will have more kindness, patience and time to give to others, and you will release expectations and pressure from everyone else because you fulfil your own needs.

So how do you start loving yourself today? It’s simple, treat yourself like you wish your perfect partner would treat you.

Tell yourself you are beautiful or take yourself out for a date. Buy yourself flowers, give yourself compliments, and wear sexy lingerie for no one else but you. Spend quality time with yourself, praise your achievements and do things that light you up.

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Remember, we are teaching people how to treat us. If we do not prioritise ourselves and our happiness, we show those around us that it is acceptable to behave that way.

If you are looking for love, look no further. Start a rock-solid relationship with yourself. Get to know who you are, what you want, and become a woman who you fall madly, deeply in love with every day.

We all need love, but the best, most satisfying, everlasting love you will ever receive is the love from yourself.

Nikki Loots is a self-love expert and mindset mentor

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