- A reader wrote to us to share that his marriage of 13 years had ended after his wife, who had been cheating on him for 10 years walked out days after being caught.
- "Cheaters will always find a reason to blame the one they cheated on," he wrote.
- Marriage therapist Bakhe Dlamini details 5 reasons people cheat.
A reader wrote to us to share that his marriage of 13 years had ended after his wife, who had been cheating on him for 10 years, filed for divorce and decided to walk out on the marriage seven days after being caught.
"Cheaters will always find a reason to blame the one they cheated on. I thought money was the main cause of her cheating. Nope, I was wrong. She was the treasurer and the chief financial officer in our home, and I was a mere worker who submitted my salary to her. Although I did everything to support her financially after I married her, she kept asking for more. I gave her my bank card and passwords to run our family's finances and spoil herself too literally; that never seemed enough."
If it isn't for money, why do people cheat?
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Marriage therapist Bakhe Dlamini details 5 reasons:
1. Lust: sometimes, some people cheat out of lust or lack self-control. We all have lust or sexual desires to some extent, but what is key is that it does not rule us. Those ruled by lust allow it to block any reasoning. It lends them to serious negative consequences.
2. Influence/socialisation: some have a lot of cheating in their social circles. For example, their friends or colleagues cheat a lot and celebrate cheating. People in such toxic circles may copy the cheating or succumb to the influence. Some may be good personality-wise but turn into cheaters because of the social circles they maintain.
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3. Unmet sexual needs: this happens a lot in marriages where you find that one partner is starved sexually or doesn't have their sexual needs met by their partner. When one isn't getting the sex, they ought to get from home, they sometimes look for it elsewhere. It does not justify cheating because if one isn't happy in their relationship, they have a right to leave it. We encourage that if one feels deprived sexually, they communicate that with their partner or go for therapy, lest they be exposed to temptation.
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4. Loneliness: this often happens with women. With many years of experience in the field, it is rare for women to cheat, particularly wives. Most wives want to settle and take care of their kids and home. They seldom have the desire to solicit sex outside their homes. The few I've met who have cheated usually say: "I was starved of attention. My husband is always out there at work or with friends. I have been yearning for attention. And in my loneliness, this other guy came through, gave me attention, and I gave in; we had sex".
5. Revenge: the one who's been cheated on or was hurt may cheat to get 'even' with their partner. Whether cheating because you have been cheated on, that cheating is still cheating and is wrong.
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Bakhe says that even though some may argue, flirting is cheating too. "It may sound innocent at first, but flirting is conversing inappropriately with another or having a romantic interaction with another while in a relationship. One doesn't need to go to bed to cheat. "If one flirts, this can lead to a full-blown illegitimate relationship. A lot of cheating starts and later gets carried out on the phone."
Resist temptation, and don't place yourself in awkward positions that will lead to infidelity, like getting too close with that colleague, neighbour or ex.