Since I started my first job two years ago, I have been sending money to my mother who lives in another province. The problem is she now has a man in her life who lives with her. He doesn’t work and he drinks.
My mother doesn’t drink but she has a job where she works only twice a week. I want to continue to support her, but I have resented the past few payments I’ve made because it means my money is now also going towards feeding her man. I don’t want to stop supporting her so what should I do? ANONYMOUS
MOVE! EXPERT ADVICE
“Caring for your mother has come with a challenge,” says Noxolo Khoza, a Johannesburg-based psychologist. “It is selfless of you to want to continue to support her despite her position. You may need to talk to your her to clarify the nature of her relationship with this man.
“You support her because she needs it and someone else is taking that away. For all we know, she’s in a difficult position too. It appears that this situation could influence the dynamics of your relationship and it’s better to resolve it soon. In trying to amend things, you’ll need to be honest about your feelings but also share the kind intentions you have for your mother so it’s clear that you would like to keep supporting her.
“She has to think about her priorities. You could take your conversation further and ask her about this. Look into targeting her specific needs if the issue escalates – for example, if she needs food, you could give her a grocery store voucher instead of money – but be mindful that this limits her as well. You are justified to feel resentful because you are carrying more weight than you bargained for.”
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I have a similar situation but my mom chose the boyfriend, so I Ieft and the financial support stopped. This man was abusive towards my mother and I had to go back when he was arrested. Your mom will always be your mom.
Sit your mother down and express your feelings. Tell her if and why you choose to support her or not. You will experience some difficulties if you continue supporting her financially when you decide to get married.
You don’t know what’s keeping him from working so you shouldn’t judge. If you love your mother, make her happy. And put yourself in his shoes – would you leave her just because you are not working? Everyone needs love!
Continue supporting your mother. If it happens that she feeds her man, that’s her issue because you’ve done your part. What she does with the money is none of your business.