Experts answer your burning sex questions


HOW DO I DECIDE IF ANAL SEX IS FOR ME?  Sexologist Juliet Allen says if you are feeling intrigued and keen to give it a go, it does not have to be painful, if that is what you fear. “The important thing is to relax your mind and body. Try this:  physically tighten the muscles in your anus by squeezing your butt muscles and then relaxing them.” 

Where to start? A finger brushing around the area will get you used to how it feels. If you enjoy that contact and are keen to try something deeper, relax your mind, your muscles, and use plenty of lubricant, as the anus does not produce its own like the vagina does. 

“But it’s your body – never feel pressured to do anything that you don’t get pleasure from. And do so without pressure. Anal sex is not for everyone. If you do not enjoy it, or don’t even enjoy the thought of trying it, then that is 100% okay,” Allen says. 

HOW DO I MAKE THE MOST OF TOUCHING MYSELF?  Break your routine for a stronger orgasm. “Variety can take us away from the boring path – just as our bodies respond with more excitement to something slightly different in partner sex,” says Carlyle Jansen, author of Sex Yourself, The Woman’s Guide to Mastering Masturbation. 

“Use a different hand, face a different way on the bed, try a different position, fantasy or location. Make a little sound.  It’s not about how loud – you don’t get extra points for screaming – a gentle ‘Mmm’ or ‘Ahhh’ is fine.”

When you are going at it, try and relax the muscles in your thighs. “Many of us naturally tense our thighs as well as our pelvis because it seems to increase the sensation. It does, but it then stunts further arousal. Because the muscles that usually contract during orgasm are already contracted, you are left with a much weaker, shorter orgasm. 

“Instead, try to relax your thighs with every breath out. This way, you will achieve increased sensation without limiting the result,” Jansen says.  Increase the intensity by aiming for at least 20 minutes per session.  “If you tend to orgasm in less than 10 minutes, you haven’t given your body time to build your maximum amount of arousal.

Bring yourself close, then back off, focusing on another part of the body or kind of stimulation, then switch back.  “If you do not orgasm easily, or at all (10% of women do not), use a vibrator.  It makes it less laborious and frustrating to try to get there.

 “And don’t worry too much about needing it; like some need glasses to see properly and others need a calculator to do basic maths, some of us need the help of  a vibrator to reach orgasm,”  Jansen adds.

HOW DO I GET FROM SO-SO SEX TO GREAT SEX?  When it comes to sex, there is no magic number or “right” technique.  “Sex six times a day. No sex at all. A sex drought.

When it comes to sex, we are 50 Shades of Confused,” says psychologist Sarah Calleja, who is also a member of the Society of Australian Sexologists.