'My husband no longer wants to have sex with me' – Mo and Phindi advise

frustrated couple (PHOTO:GETTY IMAGES)
frustrated couple (PHOTO:GETTY IMAGES)

I love my man so much. Together we share two beautiful children. I have no suspicion of him cheating, as I have snooped and investigated him secretly. But he seems uninterested in sex lately.

We are both career-driven, but I make time to pursue him sexually every now and then. However, he rejects my advances.

When I confront him about this, he becomes defensive and often aggressive. I am frustrated. How do I move forward? Does he find me unattractive or is it something else?

-   WORRIED WIFE.

Over the past few years, we have been coming across more and more relationships under sexual strain because the husband is now the one faking the headache, while his wife is pulling her hair out in frustration. 

We are not talking about wives who naturally have higher sexual libidos than their men, nor are we talking about the decreasing libido that comes with old age.

We are talking about men at the peak of their lives who simply lose sexual appetite during the relationship.So much for men being the ultimate anytime, any-place, anyhow sexual creatures!

SEX-LESS RELATIONSHIPS ARE DAMAGING: Sex cannot sustain a marriage, but mismatched sexual desires can have highly devastating results, especially when there’s little or no transparent communication about it. 

The rejection that comes with feeling unwanted by your husband cuts very deep.Naturally, you would question your sexual attraction, which can deliver a death blow to your self-esteem.It is no wonder that many of these women believe there must be some place elsewhere these guys are satisfying themselves, or that they themselves harbour thoughts of unfaithfulness. 

Our view is, you may find that the real reasons for his unnatural loss of sexual appetite often have very little to do with him finding you less sexually attractive or with infidelity.It is a common challenge that is present in more and more marriages.And there are other possible considerations we’d like you to think about, such as the reasons below. 

  • Low testosterone: Testosterone is the hormone responsible for sexual arousal.We advise that hubby consults a doctor to have his libido checked.  A simple blood test can verify whether he does indeed have low hormone levels, which is treatable.Sometimes low libido is simply a physical issue. Having excess fat can work against testosterone levels in men.
  • Porn and addiction: How often have you heard sexologists and other experts say that in a case of mismatched sexual desire, you should consider watching pornography and masturbate? We hear it often.But pornography can be a huge libido thief for men. The more he is into pornography, the less he’ll be into sex in real life.

      Porn trains the brain to be aroused by the image, not the relationship. If he is into pornography, we advise that he gets help, as it can be              addictive.Addiction to porn will lower his libido, but so will addiction to just about anything.

      If he spends hours every night with video games or watching TV, he’s not likely to want to make love very often.Addiction to alcohol or any            kind of drug can also lower one’s sex drive. 

  • Workaholism: Work provides an awfully strong temptation because men tend to thrive when they feel competent.And if your husband does not feel competent or involved at home, it is quite likely that he will look for other places to invest most of his energy.

      For many men, that place is work.  They derive such satisfaction from building a business, earning money or prestige, or just working hard            and accomplishing something that they devote all their passion, drive, and energy to this and not to you. 

If you criticise him for not being home, you will likely send him running even harder for work, where he’s praised and admired. 

THE SOLUTION MAY BE OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM:

Often when there is a problem in the marriage, it shows up in the bedroom. But because the symptom is in the bedroom, we often think the solution is too.

So, you may rush out to buy lingerie, play risqué games, use sex toys or try new positions. But the solution is often found outside the bedroom.  If your husband has a low sex drive that isn’t due to health problems or addictions, then our view of the best solution is to intently work on your friendship.  Spend more time together. Develop interest in him and his likes just so you can be together.

Build a relationship that goes beyond physical intimacy. Because, ultimately, that’s what will bring fulfilment in your relationship. Emotional intimacy usually leads to physical intimacy.  He may also be pulling away sexually because of disrespect.

Respect goes both ways but be conscious of how you talk to him.We know of many women who belittle their men without realising it. 

But they should realise that men are particularly sensitive to whatever they define as disrespect.Because respect is how men generally spell love, it has a lot of impact on what happens or does not happen in the bedroom.