Chester Missing: The long walk to Woolworths

Top Billing covered the controversial Gupta wedding. Then again, even if Satan and Hendrik Verwoerd got married, Top Billing would cover it ... as long as the devil wears Prada.

If racial classism were a commodity, all South Africans would be millionaires, Sandton would be a mining area and Khanyi Mbau would be our crown jewel.

Ironically so, because if Khanyi were any more of a gold digger herself, the National Union of Mineworkers would try to occupy her.

Julius Malema’s house just got auctioned.

Don’t get me wrong, catching an economic freedom fighter with a R16 million tax bill is like catching a nun with a box of condoms. But his Sandton neighbours’ delight at him not moving in got up my little puppet nose.

You can take Sandton out of apartheid, but you cannot take apartheid out of Sandton.

It’s racial classism. The Sandtonites would be fine with Pabi Moloi, but not Julius, the crazy cabbage grower from Polokwane. We’ve got class alliances here.

Then there’s the DA, which is hellbent on convincing us that Helen Suzman hugged more black men than Kim Kardashian.

They are proving their nonracialism by hugging black people, which is kind of like proving your nonsexism by groping women.

If you ask them about it, they’ll tell you that these pictures were randomly chosen, because having nonracialism and a black fetish is like being a vegetarian who eats chicken.

They even have a campaign film about their contribution to the struggle. What are they going to call it, The Long Walk to Woolworths?

Where were the DA youth in 1976, apart from Knysna?

The DA’s attempts to claim struggle cred remind me of a guy who gets a kiss and then tells his friends he got to third base.

The DA is like Stifler from American Pie. Saying you’ve got struggle cred because cadres hid in your flat is like saying “you’re also a player” because you used to drive Kenny Kunene around.

In the same vein, we had a school in Rivonia saying they can’t accommodate a pupil because they are full.

Then white people phoned in to radio stations to moan that it was turning into a race issue.

Seriously, white folks, talking about equality in our education without referencing race is like talking about Khulubuse ­Zuma’s health without referencing obesity.

I just hope someone warns the DA that their #KnowYourDA campaign sounds more like a programme for sexually transmitted diseases: “Are you DA positive? Protect your family, and know your DA.”

» Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on e.tv and eNCA

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