Land of contradictions

In South Africa, we don’t need “Earth Hour” to switch off the lights. We have Eskom to do that for us.

The head of our Olympic committee is a round guy called Tubby.

Our most senior communist is called Blade, but he’s never killed any vampires (although I hear he’s threatened some pale blood suckers called capitalists).

We are a land of contradiction, and most of all when it comes to race.

For example, take Mr Sindane – a white guy who was a black guy, who died tragically and was called Happy.

It’s kind of like the emotional version of Tubby.

In South Africa, all human life is said to be equal, but we only knew of Happy Sindane because he was part white and said he’d been abducted by black folks.

If white people steal you, it’s not abduction, it’s Angelina Jolie.

The only way this could be more South African is if Oscar Pistorius’ dad told us that the black part of Happy Sindane killed the white part.

South Africa is a poster child for the danger of racial essentialism, but we still obsess over it.

Former ANC Youth League chief hatemonger, Floyd Shivambu, is studying at Wits.

Wait until he finds out that “wit” is Afrikaans for white.

The problem is that we deny our contradictions.

The media is so used to portraying coloured people in a stereotypical light that some people have started thinking Trevor Manuel is Italian.

We should celebrate Lindiwe Mazibuko’s Model C accent, although I am suspicious it’s actually Helen Zille doing ventriloquism.

Don’t question how Lindiwe talks, question her middle class politics.

Judging people by how they talk is like looking for ripe mangos by squeezing the box.

If we start judging people by how they talk, someone could easily mistake comrade Dr Blade Nzimande for a budgie.

The contradictions of our politics are the same.

President Jacob Zuma said: “Everyone wants to run the country.”

I am pretty certain “everyone” is one of the Guptas.

In South Africa, the police are as dangerous as criminals.

It’s Riah Phiyega Vaya, rapid transit to Daveyton.

The Democratic Alliance, big cheese opposition, is so short of heroes they claim the spirit of ANC icon Nelson Mandela.

Shame, I guess we’ve never seen anyone in a “Free Tony Leon” T-shirt. Now the ANC have renamed the DA the “NPA”.

I told the ANC’s head of communications, Keith Khoza, that the National Planning Commission is so DA I have started calling Manuel “Lindiwe”.

We must reject the simplistic, dualistic ideas of race and politics we have been given, and at the same time remember the Black Mamba that escaped from Pretoria Zoo.

In South Africa, even snakes are victims of discriminatory racial profiling.

» Missing is a puppet political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA

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