Poptartology: K*k Jozi and bad Mandelas

You’ve been a very bad internet!

You can now go to a website called Pet Switch, which will cut out your eyes and mouth and paste it over the face of your pet. Because the world needs more ugly images.

Picture: Pet Switch

Long walk to Cannes

South Africa’s most expensive filmever, budgeted at R335 million, has been in the pipeline for 15 years, when Anant Singh first bought the rights to the Mandela story Long Walk to Freedom.

I broke the news that Idris Elba would be playing Mandela after Elba couldn’t keep quiet about it in a TV interview, but we’ve heard very little since – until Cannes. At a Weinstein Company presser the film had a poster unveiled and a trailer was screened.

Poster: The Weinstein Company

The trailer hasn’t been released online yet, but Twitch film blog was present when it screened along with clips from the other Weinstein projects preparing to launch.

They say: “Perhaps the most compelling trailer was the two-and-a-half minutes put together from Justin Chadwick’s upcoming Mandela: The Long Walk to Freedom. ‘This is not your dad’s HBO Mandela film’, quipped Harvey after the trailer ran. I honestly have no idea what that means, but the film, starring Idris Elba as the South African leader, did look to be a very well-executed period piece and plenty exciting. The movie is dated for November 29 and will surely be in the awards picture if it lives up to the potential seen today.”

Poster: The Weinstein Company/Twitch

The epic, written by epic-writer William Nicholson (Les Misérables, Gladiator) will hopefully finally feature a Mandela with an accent that South Africans can live with. Heaven knows what Morgan Freeman was doing with Invictus,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZY8c_a_dlQ

meandering between American lite, black Afrikaner and amateur British thesp. And that was accomplished compared with Terrence Howard’s Mandela in the upcoming Winnie which manages to sound like a Nigerian living in Harlem.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DM27AAnUzAY

Natural FX

Dear internet, you don’t need Photoshop to make funny memes. Note the massive return of the 2012 phenomenon, Cat Beard.

Pictures: Know Your Meme

And Japan continues to get supernatural with real life, picking up on the meme of giants eating people.

Picture: Kotaku

Or you could just make like R&B singer Miguel at the Billboard Music Awards this week when he decided to jump from the stage on to his fans.

Miguel. Gif: ABC

Retro poptart of the week: V-Mash

My favourite blog dedicated to South African bubblegum and disco of the ’80s and ’90s – okay, it’s the only one – has made my week with a tribute to Vinoliah Mashego before she became a Jam Alley presenter and national bad girl. They’re currently highlighting her 1989 album Bad Boy. Like all good poptarts, she has a track called Don’t Touch!

Picture: Afro-Synth

Poptart of the week: Sanza Tshabalala

Because we must all eat, we must also highlight the chefs about town who deserve pop star status. In Yeoville in Joburg, right next to the Congolese boutique where Malusi Gigaba buys his suits, across the road from a Cameroonian brothel and a block away from where politicians and TV stars come by late at night to smoke the good weed, you will find E@t Arabi, E@t the World.

It’s a street kitchen run by radio-host-turned-chef Sanza Tshabalala. He’s also known as Sanza the Fanatik or just as Sanzalicious.

Sanza Tshabalala. Picture: Sifiso Nkosi/City Press

Wittier than Trevor Noah on an American talk show and naughtier than V-Mash with a microphone, Sanza describes his cooking as “pan-African male vegetarian food”. Like him. “And that’s ‘pan-African’ as in an African man carrying a pan to cook with,” he says with his broadest grin – the only one he’s got.

When we find him there he’s serving an ingenious little kasava number with beans and an Indian chicken curry “with an afrocentric side dish – basically, an Afrocurry”.

A creative director on Big Brother Africa, Sanza likes to take his sense of humour out on newspaper headline posters that he adapts. Like he’ll remove the “b” from “Mdluli beat me up” so that it reads “Mdluli eat me up”. You’ll find posters reading “Pot office opens up”, “Honkey meat scandal hits SA” and “All the king’s menu”…

Sanza’s also writing a book. It isn’t a cookery book, though, it’s inspired by Shit London and is called Kak Jozi. It’s a tour of Joburg suburbs like Melrose Ouch, Farts on Main, Poo Lake, F*ckview, F*cktown North, F*ckhurts, Killbrow and Hoville.

“It’s snapshots and captions and a history of the neighbourhoods,” says this poptart of the tastebuds.

Nearly poptart of the week

Is Ahmed Angel the most narcissistic guy on the internet? . I’m going to give you a yes on that. “I’m not a model, but I’m a Top Model!” exclaims the 18-year-old Iraqi medical student who has gone viral as “the angel of cringe”.

Ahmed Angel. Picture: Ahmed Angel/Facebook

“He is planet” is the slogan he best likes to spread into the world. His unbelievable vanity and ability to make poor Photoshop images of his face on billboards and magazines so endeared me that I have friended him on Facebook, dear readers.

Ahmed Angel. Picture: Ahmed Angel/Facebook

Appsolutely awesome

The top app in the world today, according to the Blackberry awards, comes from South Africa and is called PriceCheck (declaration: PriceCheck is a Naspers product. City Press is part of the Naspers group through Media24.)

It does what it says on the box: finds you the cheapest price in your area when you’re looking to buy a product. It’s nifty, but what blew my fringe back was the app developed for the Afronaut project.

Christina De Middel’s book of photos referencing the curious 1960s Zambian space programme can now be read digitally on your phone or tablet.

That consistently on-form site African Digital Art has the lowdown.

Picture: Digital African

‘Tell Peta my mink is dragging on the floor’

Double fashion catastrophe of the week! My favourite fashion blog Skattie What Are You Wearing courtesy Malibongwe Tyilo  tells the disastrous story of a Great Gatsby screening where fashionistas were kicked out of their seats by paying members of the poorly dressed public.

I don’t know what’s worse – the PR debacle or the fashion types mincing around in fur.

Picture: Malibongwe Tyilo

Top of the poptarts

In international news of a largely trivial nature, an enterprising blogger has decided to explain the Latin jokes in Asterix comics in English.

Wealthy Manhattan parents are “renting” disabled people to skip lines at Disney World.

SB Nation has a fascinating feature on Senegalese wrestlers who reside within a celebrity culture somewhere between WWF stars and living gods.

Picture: SB Nation

The Anne Hirsch Show visited a Cape Town comic fair . The stand-up is pioneering the comic web series in South Africa, steadily taking it to the next level.

Detroit is getting itself a new public sculpture – of Robocop.

Ghana wants the stars of the American reality show Jungle Gold to be arrested for illegal mining.

The World Press Photo 2013 winner created scandal when it was proven by the internet that he’d Photoshopped this image to enhance the dramatic expressions of the subjects.

In Germany, topless protests greeted the opening of a temporary museum that is a giant pink Barbie house.

Best for last: Japan has a superhero whose powers are unleashed when he wears panties on his head. He’s now become a huge hit in Taiwan .

Please go breaking my heart

Good news from the white poverty belt came in the form of Die Volkslied, the new video from Die Heuwels Fantasties. Instead of getting all zef and ironic on it, they show the Pretoria suburb of Danville at play.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4rsF3NMnL8

And Gata Misteriosa and Lee Bass “the Mozambican-Portuguese-Ghanaian-German duo who go by the name of Gato Preto” dropped this new video for Pirao. “No longer strictly kuduro, not yet sure what to call it,” said Africa Is A Country.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EIYvyZBmN3s

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